VITAL SUBJECTS

Is Sean Penn really a jerk? I don’t care. Please, keep your reports to more vital subjects: Find out what color panties his wife wears.

Is David Lynch a genius? Gosh, I just bet he is. I mean, everyone says so. He’s probably a million times better than me. I believe that. I really do.

My real question: A couple weeks ago a reviewer called the new film “Vasectomy” a piece of trash, in so many words. Well, gee! How can he say that? I haven’t seen the film, but with a title like that it’s bound to be fun!

Who cares about “Blue Velvet” and “Shanghai Surprise”? I don’t. I’ll just sit home and wait for the sequel to “Vasectomy”--”Hysterectomy”?

ELMO JONES

Valencia