Juice Bowl: Better Hitting Through Chemistry

Howdy folks, and welcome to the first annual Juice Bowl, coming to you live from the deck of a privately owned aircraft carrier anchored off the coast of Oxnard in international waters. I’m Slick Static and this here is my expert color analyst, former grid great Rick (Rhino) Reebock. Rhino, give the folks a quick rundown on just what the Juice Bowl is all about, will you?

Rhino: My pleasure, Slick. When the NCAA instituted random steroid testing for bowl-bound football teams, 21 players tested positive and were banned from the bowls. Now, our sponsor couldn’t stand to see 21 young men going homeless during the holiday season, so the Juice Bowl was created.

As you know, Slick, juice is a slang term for steroids. Those 21 student-athletes were invited to join together and form an all-star team. The Bombers, as this team calls itself, will take on the Penn State Nittany Lions today in a game for the real national championship of college football.

Slick: You might say this game is where they separate the men from the boys, with urine tests. And it’s all brought to you by the friendly folks at Acme Steroids--”Giving nature a helping hand and a kick in the pants.”

Rhino: The NCAA, we should note, does not sanction the Juice Bowl, Slick. That’s why we’re playing it out here in international waters, beyond the jurisdiction of the CIA, PTA and NCAA.

Slick: And we would be shirking our journalistic duty, big fella, if we failed to mention that there is some controversy surrounding this game. A lot of folks are upset about this whole steroid issue. Some say these kids got what they deserved by being kicked out of the bowl games, and that this steroid stuff is ruining the game of football.

Frankly, I just don’t understand that attitude, Rhino. Most of these young men took steroids by accident, thinking they were vitamin pills or holiday candy. The rest used only minute amounts of steroids to aid in rehabilitation after open-heart surgery or limb transplants.

OK, maybe the steroids did result in some incidental bulking up, into the 300-pound range. But hey, ice cream can have the same effect, and nobody has ever been suspended by the NCAA after testing positive for a hot fudge sundae.

Rhino: Good point, Slick. I myself prefer steroids to ice cream. And you know, these kids have been branded common criminals! Fact is, they are brave young men, venturing forth into unknown areas of science and psychology, for the betterment of mankind. The Wright Brothers had nothing on these fellows.

Slick: And listen, there are a lot of misconceptions floating around about steroids. Many people assume that steroid use might result in a twisted and violent personality, shrinking of certain sex organs, orange-peel skin, hypertension, cancer, sterility and kidney and liver problems.

Rhino: Uh, isn’t that true, Slick?

Slick: Well, technically, yes. But very few steroid users report experiencing side effects in all those areas, Rhino. And is anything today 100% safe? You can’t eat a dadburn French fry without some wimp in a lab smock jumping out from behind a potted plant and lecturing you about cholesterolization or some such. I say, let the kids have their fun. Stop the nagging and nitpicking. Be thankful they’re not out smoking pot.

Rhino: Right you are. And where would we be without steroids? Football would be played by a bunch of 150-pound twinkies who couldn’t make the varsity Frisbee team. We need these chemically grown giants to give the game its snap, crackle and pop.

Slick: You mean the sounds of smartly executed plays?

Rhino: No, I mean the sounds of bones, cartilage and ligaments. I read the other day where former gridder Dean Steinkuhler said steroids made him feel real moody, violent. He wanted to kill somebody.

Slick: And we should see some kinda hitting out there today, eh Rhino? Hoo, boy! It’s like our sponsor’s motto--”Reach out, reach out and crunch someone.” There’s nothing in sport to match the beauty of a 280-pound lineman, chemically demented, foaming at the mouth, zeroing in on a 160-pound ballcarrier who has already been stopped cold and teed up by other defensive players.

Rhino: A regular ballet in cleats, my friend. All brought to you, as we said, by Acme Steroids and new Steroid Lights--half the calories, half the tragic side effects.

Slick: As the teams take the field below us, Rhino, tell the folks what kind of game we can expect today.

Rhino: I predict it will be a physical game, Slick. In fact, most of the 21 banned players were interior linemen or linebackers, so the Bombers don’t have a lot of so-called finesse players, like quarterbacks and wide receivers. Not that it matters. These fellows are here to hit , not to run and throw. This ain’t no track meet.

Slick: Well put, podner. And now we see the team captains meeting at midfield for the coin flip. The Bombers, of course, are the ones with hair growing out their shoulder pads.

There’s the toss and--oops, it looks like tempers are flaring already. A fight has broken out at midfield, and both benches have cleared.

This looks like a good time to pause for a word from our sponsor--Acme Steroids, the new formula and Steroid Classic--it’s the unreal thing.

Rhino: Slick, old buddy, I have this sudden urge to twist your head off like a mayonnaise jar lid . . .