Sweeps Weak

Awright!

A feature article on Eyewitness News, their hardcharging anchors, Paul Moyer and Ann Martin, the producers behind the stars, the gossip, the big bucks, the unexpected suffering Paul and Ann have undergone to get to the top of the heap (being compared to Tom Snyder--Oh my God!) (“Moyer & Martin--Cool, Cute and Credible,” by Dennis McDougal, Feb. 14).

I laughed. I was touched. I’m not ashamed to admit I shed a tear.

And then your cover story on what’s-his-name, Steve Sea gull (funny name for a bad dude) (“Steven Seagal Gets a Shot at Stardom,” by Patrick Goldstein)? Comes out of nowhere, and now Clint, Arnold, Charlie Bronson, Chuck Norris--even the legendary Sly--are going to have to get in line. I bet De Niro’s even shaking in his boots.

Hey--a martial-arts phenom, ex-CIA, no stranger to danger, so beautiful and intimidating. Pop Eye himself, Patrick Goldstein, fell into a literary swoon.

And modest, too, a shy guy, so supersensitive he can actually see through people, tell when they’re lying before they’ve gotten through 20% of their miserable, little stories. I mean, not even Aristotle, Schopenhauer or Dan Rather could accomplish that trick. And he can spot foreigners just walking down the street (yeah, he’s Icelandic). What a guy!

Hey, dudes, I was so breathless I couldn’t get to Paul Krassner’s piece on the rise and fall of “The Wilton North Report” until Monday morning.

What brought on all these journalistic riches? Was it sweeps week for newspapers?

CHARLES CHICCOA

W. Hollywood