The Valley of Mythical Proportions

It is an exasperating truism that my occasional errors bring me a great deal more mail than my occasional profundities, such as my observation that the purpose of life is to stay alive and see what happens next.

In writing the other day about my recent visit to Simi Valley at the invitation of City Councilwoman Vicky Howard, I noted that the city’s Wood Ranch development had 38,000 homes on 40 acres. (In any case, that’s the way it came out.)

Now that is an error so gross, so obviously outrageous, that any fifth-grader could see at once that it was an impossibility. My only consolation is in the fact that no one could have taken it seriously for an instant.

I have received letters ranging from those that merely expressed disbelief to those that offered detailed mathematical equations demonstrating the absurdity of those figures.

Typical of many is this note from Forrest Knight of Rancho Bernardo, which is exemplary in its simplicity: “Whereas 1 acre equals 43,560 square feet, and 40 acres equal 1,742,400 square feet, therefore, each home has an average lot of 46 square feet--just big enough for a medium-sized privy. . . .”

Lloyd Peyton points out that residents would have no way of getting to and from their “castles,” since there would be no room for streets and sidewalks. “Jack,” he says, “I don’t think you were visiting Simi Valley. It was Lilliput.”

Julian L. Weiss of Camarillo extrapolates (I can’t remember that I’ve ever had a chance to use that word before) from my figures to show that even reducing the number of houses to 3,800 and expanding the acres to 400 would still yield 10.5 houses per acre.

A retired architect with the enchanting name of Hiawatha Estes of Northridge, calculates that each house would sit on exactly 45.85 square feet, and sends me the tape from his calculating machine to prove it.

Councilwoman Vicky Howard writes graciously: “I know you rarely make a mistake and are loath to claim more than one a year. Therefore, I know this egregious error can only be attributed to an errant computer key possibly beset by an incipient virus.”

To set the record straight, she points out that Simi Valley has only 31,789 units in all, and those are spread over 32.74 square miles. “Wood Ranch, at completion, will have approximately 4,000 homes on 3,000 acres; clustering of the homes will allow the great majority of the ranch to remain in parks, golf course and open space.”

I am not so defenseless, however, against criticisms of another statement: “I learned that Simi Valley had no adult bookstores, no X-rated movie houses, no massage parlors and no abortion clinics.”

“Calling a fetus an ‘unborn baby’ does not make it one,” writes Michael Davidson of Studio City, “and putting ‘abortion clinic’ in a list of sleazy, sexually oriented businesses does not make it one either.”

Sherri Sammon writes, “Your inclusion of abortion clinics in the same sentence with massage parlors, X-rated movie houses, et al., proves to me that you are far from understanding the issue of freedom of choice.”

Ms. Sammon suggests that I avoid writing about feminism until I understand it. “Please, please read a book,” she urges. “Talk to a feminist.”

Actually, I have read most of the landmark feminist books, beginning with Betty Friedan’s “The Feminine Mystique” before the ink was dry on it, a quarter-century ago; I talk to feminists every day; sometimes they take me to lunch; as for abortion, I am staunchly pro-choice.

I mentioned abortion clinics because I suspect that the kind of people who would be hostile to adult book stores, X-rated movies and massage parlors would also be hostile to abortion clinics. All imply freedom of choice. That does not mean that people who favor abortion clinics would favor pornography.

Ms. Sammon advises: “Please avoid the temptation to trivialize your error by writing a witty column about the responses you receive.”

I believe in humor; I wish I could think of something witty.

Davidson observes: “I’m sure you would not be pleased to read: ‘The Mt. Washington area is a good one to raise children as there are few drug dealers, prostitutes, hit men or newspaper columnists.”

That wouldn’t bother me in the least. I think it’s absolutely true.