At Least These Two Eat Big

The waitress brings the food. Mounds of mashed potatoes, swimming in gravy. Chicken with crispy crust. Biscuits with butter. Cornbread on the side. Corn on the cob, too. And apple cobbler. And macaroni and cheese. And chocolate pudding with Cool Whip on top. No salad. Nothing even resembling a salad.

“Gentlemen,” the waitress says, “start your forks.”

George picks up his.

Buster picks up his.

“OK, so tell me,” George Foreman says. “Tell me how to fight Evander Holyfield.”

“Train hard,” Buster Douglas says. “Train every single day, 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening, like clockwork.”

“That’s what you did?”

“That’s what I did.”

“Did you skip rope?”

“No,” Buster says. “I couldn’t get over it.”

“Did you hit the heavy bag?”

“No,” Buster says. “I was heavier than the heavy bag, so I let the other guys in the gym hit me. “

“Did you sit in a sauna?”

“Only for a minute,” Buster says. “Then I had to get out of there.”

“Why?”

“My sundae melted.”

The waitress comes by.

“Can I bring you gentlemen anything else? Water? Iced tea? An incredibly large doggy bag?”

They send her to a neutral corner of the restaurant.

“If I’m going to fight Holyfield next,” Foreman says, “I need you to give me some tips.”

“OK, lead with your left,” Douglas says.

“My left?”

“Here, I’ll show you how I did it,” Douglas says. “You take the fork like this. See? You squeeze it. Make sure your arm is away from your body. Good extension is important.”

“I always had good extension.”

“And keep your head down at all times, directly over your plate. Don’t go gettin’ distracted by anything out the window or anybody over by the salad bar. Head down, left arm extended.”

“Got it.”

“Then quick flicks. Plate to mouth, plate to mouth, plate to mouth. That’s it. Now you got it. Not too fast, not too slow, nice and steady. That’s it. Down the hatch.”

“Like this?”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full. Just breathe, George. Breathing is everything. C’mon, work that esophagus. Yeah. That’s it. No, don’t chew! You ain’t got time for no chewin’! Work that left hand. Go for them gums.”

The waitress comes by.

“Can I bring you gentlemen anything else? Pepto-Bismol? Bigger silverware? A bigger bucket?”

They send her away.

“Whrghbt mftwrk?” Foreman asks.

“Swallow, George.”

“What about my footwork?” Foreman asks.

“It’s not bad,” Douglas says. “Plant yourself. Knees together. Napkin across the lap. Get balanced. Center your body so you don’t have to lunge for the butter or the ketchup. And don’t hunch over so much. Your sleeve’s in the gravy.”

“Buster, what was the toughest part about fighting Holyfield?”

“Wearing a mouthpiece.”

“Why?”

“Couldn’t eat during the round.”

“Buster, what did you protest to the referee about?”

“Holyfield hittin’ below the belt.”

“What did Holyfield tell the referee?”

“Said he couldn’t find below my belt.”

“Buster, what was the hardest part about losing your championship belt?”

“Getting it off.”

“Who you feel sorry for most? Yourself? Your manager? Your fans?”

“My scale. My stool. My tailor.”

“Buster, you looked distracted.”

“I was distracted by the bell.”

“The bell?”

“Thought it meant dinner was ready.”

“Buster, couldn’t you have gotten up before the count of 10?”

“Sure. With a crane.”

“Buster, why didn’t your corner throw in the towel?”

“Didn’t have a towel. Had a bib.”

The waitress comes by.

“Gentlemen, if there’s nothing else, I’ll have several waiters come by with your checks.”

They take out a wad of $1,000 bills.

“George, if you’re going to fight Holyfield, may I suggest one thing?”

“What?”

“Atlantic City. Much better room service than Vegas.”

“Buster, how in heaven’s name did you ever beat Mike Tyson?”

“Fought him in Japan,” Douglas says. “Do you know how hard it is to find 50 or 60 decent cheeseburgers in Japan?”

“A toast,” Foreman says, clinking milk-shake glasses. “To you and me, Buster. We ain’t the heavyweight champions anymore. But we’re the champion heavyweights.”

The waitress comes by.

“Where’s my change?” Douglas asks.

“Keep your shirt on, Buster,” she says. “And I mean that sincerely.”

* DECKED: Don King criticizes Buster Douglas, says no Tyson-Douglas II planned. C16