Celebrity Baseballs a Real Hit

For a friend for Christmas, I got an autographed baseball. We all have our heroes, so when I found a ball signed by a favorite star of hers and mine, I knew that this was something she would treasure forever.

Was it a baseball autographed by Willie Mays? By Yogi Berra? By Roberto Clemente? A baseball sold by Pete Rose? A baseball thrown to a batter by Nolan Ryan? A baseball thrown at a child by Vince Coleman?

Well, no.

Who was it autographed by?

Dick Van Dyke.

Make way for the new rage: Celebrity baseballs.

They make great gifts. And besides, they’re less messy than a Chia Pet.

Now, maybe you’re asking: Dick Van Dyke? The actor? The chairman of “Nick at Nite?” The man with the world’s most dangerous ottoman?

Yeah, him. Look, you have your heroes, we have ours.

Don’t like Dick?

OK. Then I know a place where for $69.99, you can have your very own baseball autographed by . . . Barbara Walters!

Or, for $89.99 . . . Joan Collins!

Or, for $139 and no change . . . Valerie Bertinelli!

I am not making this up.

Several stores sell celebrity balls. I bought mine at Global International’s sports and celebrity memorabilia shop, inside the Fallbrook Mall in Canoga Park, where they sell everything from George Foreman’s old boxing robes to a Byron Scott-autographed box of Wheaties.

It was news to me that celebrity-signed baseballs were now on the shelf, same as it must be news to you that one Bertinelli is worth two Walterses.

Bad news for Babs.

Anyhow, like you, I once mistakenly believed that baseballs were made to be autographed by baseball players.

What could we have been thinking?

I even believed that autographed baseballs were meant to be autographed in person, so that you could tell everyone, “Hey! Hank Aaron signed my ball!” Or, “Hey! Fernando Valenzuela signed my ball!” Or, “Hey! Eddie Murray told me to take my stupid baseball and go . . . !”

But now, even if you run into someone who never played baseball for a living, be sure to keep a baseball handy in your purse or pocket, just in case.

Say, you could find yourself in an airport, when suddenly: “Look! There’s the Prince of Wales! Would you sign my baseball, please? Make it out: ‘To Seymour: Let’s play polo sometime! Your chum, Charles!’ ”

Or, you could be eating a burger, when: “Look, there’s Arnold Schwarzenegger! Stall him while I go get a baseball! I’ll be back!”

(Don’t forget, you could need an extra-large baseball.)

One day, the promotional department for the movie “A League of Their Own” sent me my own baseball autographed by Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Penny Marshall and Madonna. It is something I value, although, knowing Madonna, you never know where this baseball’s been.

The only downside is lying about how I actually got the ball.

It is up to you if you wish to confess that you actually bought the celebrity baseball in a store. When my friend asks me where I got that Dick Van Dyke ball, I am going to look her squarely in the eye, squeeze her hand and say: “I waited outside the studio for eight hours! In the rain!”

When actually, I used Visa.

Here are some of the other prices on celebrity balls, in case you still have any shopping to do.

Lauren Bacall ball, $89.99.

Julia Child, $59.49.

Ryan O’Neal, $129.

Richard Pryor and John Tesh (hardly ever mentioned in the same sentence), $89.99 each.

Supreme Court Justice Byron (Whizzer) White, $79.99.

“Nitro” from “American Gladiators,” $49.99.

Olympia Dukakis, $89.99.

Frankie Avalon, $129.

(Way to be, Frankie.)

Chuck Yeager, a steal at $49.99.

Minnie Pearl, $59.99.

Barbara Eden, $129. (Wow!)

Mark Spitz, Mister T, supermodel Kelly Emberg and even more super model Ruth Buzzi, $59.99 each.

(Buzzi’s ball is signed: “Rowan and Martin’s Sex Symbol.”)

Charlie Sheen, $89.99. Adrienne Barbeau, $49.99. Alec Baldwin, $99.99. Michael Caine, $129.99. Sandra Bernhard, a store-low $39.99. Dinah Shore, $69.99. Patti Page, $49.99. (Dinah kicks Patti’s butt.) Merv Griffin and Tommy Lee of Motley Crue, $89.99 each. (A standoff.) Jamie Farr, $79.95.

The actor Robert Young signed his: “What a shame to mark up such a beautiful ball.” Didn’t catch the price.

Boxer Carmen Basilio, $139.

Bill Cosby “and company,” $79.99.

Vic Damone signed an orange-and-blue baseball that goes for $125.

And no price tags were attached for those baseball immortals Hayley Mills, Victor Mature, Lena Horne, Olivia Newton-John, Vanna (Whizzer) White, Bobby Goldsboro, Karl Malden, Louis Jourdan (I’m pretty sure in “Gigi” he played some shortstop), Shecky Greene, Grandpa Jones, Florence Henderson, Carrie Fisher, sultan of swat James Caan and, that right fielder whose autograph you’ve always wanted, Barry Goldwater.

Were I richer, I’d have bought them all. (Then lied and said they were all warm, personal friends.)

So, surprise your friends. And next Christmas, don’t forget me, especially if you happen to come across a Mary Tyler Moore.