Mars, Venus . . . and Cupid : Men and women seem to be from different planets. John Gray’s message: Come back to Earth and deal with it.

MILL VALLEY, Calif. —  In 1984, John Gray’s marriage broke up after only two years--a bad thing for a self-professed expert on the sexes whose livelihood was based on the relationship seminars the couple gave.

Since then, Gray’s professional and personal fortunes have blossomed faster than a high school crush.

Through early September, his most recent book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships” (HarperCollins, 1992) has sold nearly 1.6 million hardcover copies. It has been on the New York Times bestseller list for 68 weeks and has been translated into 20 languages. His nationwide seminars over the past 10 years have drawn more than 100,000 people--almost evenly divided between men and women. And he has been happily married to his second wife, Bonnie Gray, for nine years.

Gray, 43, has ascended to self-help superstardom despite non-traditional academic credentials and less-than-wholehearted endorsement from the psychological community. His success has been fueled by word of mouth and talk-show appearances, including four visits to “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

Beyond its catchy title and simple prose, Gray said, his book has sold because of its common-sense message: Men and women are different, and if they accept that they can communicate better.

“I speak a language that people out there understand,” he said. “My message is . . . accept the differences and then do something about it.”

The differences are notable, he said. Men like to work problems out on their own--in their “cave,” Gray writes. Women, he maintains, work out problems by talking them through.

He uses the analogy of men and women coming from different planets as a way to explain--over and over again--that the distinctions between men and women are inherent.

Gray bases his findings on his own experiences and stories he hears, he said, rather than on any published scientific research or controlled study. For many in the profession, that methodology is shaky at best and inaccurate at worst.

“People like to hear easy bromides--when you read it you can relate to it because it fits into your experience,” said Howard Markman, a psychology professor at the University of Denver and co-author of “We Can Work It Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict” (Putnam, 1993). “The big question is, does this help people’s relationships in the long run? And there the lack of research really leaves you wondering. There are many things that feel good initially and don’t produce any long-lasting change.”

Gray acknowledges that “Mars” is not a part of the academic mainstream, and shrugs off the fact that some academicians look down upon his methods and credentials.

He holds a doctorate in psychology but is not licensed by the state as a psychologist; his earlier days as a counselor were permitted under state law because his background as a monk allows him to practice “spiritual counseling.”

Gray talks openly about his early experimentation with drugs and his nine years spent as the personal assistant to the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. His bachelor’s and master’s degrees in Eastern philosophy are from the Maharishi European Research University in Switzerland. His doctorate was granted by the unaccredited Columbia Pacific University in San Rafael after Gray completed a correspondence course in 1982, he said.

His fans don’t much care where he got his education. They like what he has to say.

0 Gerri Farnell of Encino, married for 40 years, arranged for Gray to speak at a recent Los Angeles charity event.

“I didn’t realize that men and women think so differently,” Farnell said. “I don’t care what his credentials are, if somebody can offer me ways to improve relationships, I’m all for that.”

Jerry Lotterstein, 59, has been married for 36 years but said he never truly understood his wife until he read Gray’s book.

“I was able to understand she was on a track that she can’t change. I don’t have to argue with her; she can’t change certain things,” said Lotterstein, who lives with his wife in Pacific Palisades. “All the other times for the past 35 years I’m trying to tell her she’s wrong and she should change.”

If it sounds like a simple model, Gray said, that’s because it is.

“It makes so much sense,” he said. “There are millions of people out there who are just basically normal people, but they have a certain pattern that happens in relationships. And with a little more awareness and a little more instruction, they can correct that and then they have a much happier relationship.”

Donald Baucom, director of clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and an expert in marital communication and gender differences, said that what can seem too easy often is.

Couples can indeed be taught guidelines for how to communicate, he said, adding that he has not read Gray’s work. But learning how to implement them, especially when one or both partners are upset, is the hard part--and often where a troubled couple needs a trained therapist.

“What you don’t want is people to have read the book, tried it on their own, failed and then say, ‘It’s no use going to a professional because we’ve already tried that,’ ” Baucom said.

Gray said he is in favor of traditional therapy. His book, he said, can prepare couples for it by exposing them to the ideas about different modes of communication. What’s more, he said, many of his readers are those who would not go to therapy.

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Gray’s original, Los Angeles-based classes were small--10 or 15 people at a time who came to learn what he called “Enlightened Sexuality,” or the spiritual side of sex.

His first big success came when he began teaching with, dating and eventually marrying Barbara De Angelis, author of the best-selling “Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know” (Delacorte Press, 1990). By the time they got married, two years after they first became involved, they were teaching seminars of 75 to 100 people in seven cities.

So when the marriage broke up in 1984, it was more than just an emotional shock for Gray; he acknowledges that it was a professional disaster. (De Angelis’ publicist said she was not available for comment.)

Gray did his best to continue the seminars the two had previously scheduled, explaining what had happened at the beginning and offering refunds to those who felt his teachings were no longer valid.

“You could feel this rumble through the room,” Gray recalled. “ ‘What? Can’t you make your relationship work?’ People have a tendency to want their teachers--and I would, too--to be examples of what they’re teaching and suddenly I wasn’t.”

Eventually he began to look into how men and women were different. When he began teaching what he had learned, he talked about men and women as if they were from different planets, with different customs and different languages.

Shortly before remarrying in 1985, he published his first book, “What You Feel, You Can Heal: A Guide for Enriching Relationships.” That book took eight years to sell 50,000 copies; with a boost from “Mars,” sales have doubled. His second book, “Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace With the Opposite Sex,” came out in 1990. That book, too, shot up after “Mars” and has now sold about 150,000 copies.

Gray said he tested his theories in counseling sessions and in his seminars. By listening to testimonials, and encouraging seminar-goers to express approval and disapproval by clapping and hissing, Gray said he was able to pick and choose which “generalizations” worked and which didn’t.

“Mars” gives few details about his method, noting Gray’s seminar experience and years in the field; the 15,000 interviews on which he says “Mars” is based are neither footnoted nor described in detail. Where the book quotes individuals talking about their situation or problems, Gray gives their first names and attributes the story to either sessions or seminars.

“I didn’t develop this based on reading other people’s books. I don’t even read that much,” Gray said. “I do everything through my own personal experience.”

Gray works in his home office in Mill Valley, where he lives with Bonnie, their 8-year-old daughter and his wife’s two daughters from a previous marriage.

His next book, “What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You and Your Father Didn’t Know” (HarperCollins), about keeping romance alive, is due out in November. Gray hopes to release another recently completed book in time for Valentine’s Day. “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom” will tackle couples’ sexual miscommunication, he said.

Markman, of the University of Denver, said Gray’s success has challenged psychologists to write well-researched books that are still accessible to the public, as he and co-author Clifford Notarius have tried to do.

Meanwhile, Gray continues work on his lectures--last year there were 36--his cassette tapes and a new CD-ROM that, Gray said, will approximate private counseling sessions with him.

Looking around his small office, decorated with pictures of his family, the slight and soft-spoken Gray acknowledged that life, post-”Mars,” has changed.

He said he no longer bothers with the $69 weekend seminars or the $24 one-night sessions unless the crowds are in the hundreds or thousands.

Although the Grays still live in the cozy, wood-frame house abutting a redwood forest that they bought six years ago, they have purchased a new one, just up the street with a mountain view. He drives a new BMW and flies first class.

His formula for maintaining a relationship in spite of a hectic schedule, he said, is “more success, more time together.” The temptation, he said, is to spend more time working.

But Gray promises his fans that he will continue to teach them how to get along with their partners--regardless of his critics.

“The academic world wants to say, ‘What is your source for this?’ You’ve got to have a huge reference list,” he said. “My source for this and the validation of my information is that this is common sense. I say it in my introduction: If this rings true for you, then use it and see if it works.”

What We Say . . . What We Mean

Men and women are different, writes John Gray in “Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships.” Here are a few entries in his “Venusian-Martian/Martian-Venusian Phrase Dictionary”:

Women

We never go out.

I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out.

I want more romance.

Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Let’s take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. . . .

No one listens to me anymore.

I am afraid I am boring to you. I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? . . .

Men

It’s nothing.

Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle alone. Please don’t ask any more questions about it.

It’s all right.

This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don’t interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. . . . I can process it within myself more effectively.

It’s no big deal.

It is no big deal because I can make things work again. Please don’t dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more upset. I accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it.