LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Potomac fever: Jay Leno, on the plane crashing on the White House lawn: “Secret service agents believe it was piloted by either a deranged man or a jealous husband. . . . President Clinton has introduced a bill that will require a three-day waiting period before you can buy a Cessna.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the incident: “The loud crash didn’t bother agents at first. They thought it was just the President’s health care plan.”

David Letterman, on the three signs the U.S. will invade Haiti: “First of all, aircraft carrier movement in the area. Two, they are training an infantry division. And three, President Clinton has signed up for a couple of classes at Oxford.”

Conan O’Brien, on Congress’ return from vacation: “It probably felt good to do nothing for a couple of weeks, after doing nothing for a couple of months.”

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Also in the news: Bob Mills, on the merger of Ralphs and Alpha Beta food stores: “It will give them the world’s largest collection of shopping carts with one defective wheel.”

Mills, on the Senate race in California, featuring millionaires Dianne Feinstein and Mike Huffington: “They have no debates scheduled, but have agreed to meet on Rodeo Drive for a spend-off.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on most kids now being back in school: “That must be a real drag on the social lives of Woody Allen and Jerry Seinfeld.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Houston lawyer who brings her infant to court: “Most don’t like all the whining and sniveling coming from her side of the courtroom. And her baby’s just as bad.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on reports that 70% of big city schools have metal detectors: “What a good idea. Now the principal can tell who’s really been shot and who’s just faking it to get out of a test.”

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A recently widowed woman, long known for her frugality, called a newspaper to inquire about rates for obituary notices, and was told that it was $2 per word. The widow pondered momentarily and said, “Just put in: ‘Jim died’.”

“We can do that if you like,” replied the employee, “but we do have a five-word minimum.”

The widow hesitated again, then said, “OK, put in: ‘Jim died, Buick for sale’.”

-- Bill Gorman, Upland

Lawyers are like enemas. You hate ‘em until you need one, then you still hate ‘em.

-- Dick Thies, Long Beach

From a greeting card: What do sex and golf have in common? Men think they are better at both than they really are.

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Reader Mary DeCoud of Inglewood was brushing her granddaughter Lauren’s hair one day when the young girl noticed her grandfather’s dentures soaking in a glass.

Then she asked: “Can he take his tongue out, too?”