LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Did you see that “Frontline” profile of Newt Gingrich? Says Cutler Daily Scoop, “Wherever you stand on the political spectrum, we can all agree on one thing: Nobody should be confronted with pictures of themselves from the ‘70s.”

The Newt hinted that he may skip the next budget meeting if it appears President Clinton “isn’t bringing anything positive to the table”--like a white flag, says Paul Ryan.

Steve Forbes’ tax plan would allow someone with $12 million in the bank to earn $5,000 a day tax-free. But it’s not all good news, says Argus Hamilton. “Poor people could still drive by and honk on your backswing.”

While perusing Hillary Clinton’s new book, “It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us,” this thought occurred to Kenny Noble: “One thing kids teach us is to look totally innocent when accused of any wrongdoing.”

Jay Leno is going to take “The Tonight Show” to Phoenix for the Super Bowl. Jenny Church wonders if that means the Dancing Itos will referee the game.

A new book says John Kennedy and Richard Nixon actually secretly admired each other. Says Paul Steinberg, “Boy, even Oliver Stone couldn’t have dreamed this one up.”

Using the Hubble telescope, scientists have discovered that the universe has five times the stars they had previously estimated. Adds Gary Easley, “And 10 times the agents doing lunch and not returning calls.”

Someone has a two-minute video of Princess Di sunbathing topless. It’s being offered to TV networks for millions. Says Hamilton, “Nice to see that space shuttle finally starting to pay for itself.”

CBS exec John Pike is in hot water for allegedly saying black people make reliable late-night audiences because they don’t have to wake up early for work and don’t have the attention span to watch hourlong dramas. Says Cutler, “He’s also renamed ‘The Late Late Show’ ‘Yo, Tom Snyder Raps’ and asked David Letterman to introduce a new feature, ‘Stupid CBS Big-Shot Tricks.”’

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Cutler on computer: Cyberjocks are getting a preview of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue on the Internet. Unfortunately, says Premiere Morning Sickness, “This year’s bikini-wearing cover girl is Bill Gates.”

Worried that you may be addicted to the Net? Cutler says to ask yourself:

* Do you inspect more Web sites than Spiderman?

* Does George Steinbrenner want you to write for the Yankees Web Page?

* Do you have more servers than Wimbledon?

* Do you refer to waking up as “logging on”?

* Is your cat more likely to let go of a mouse than you are?

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Reader Marian Handy of Fallbrook was chatting with grandson Justin, 10, and mentioned that when he was a toddler friends said he looked just like his grandma. Obviously amazed, Justin asked:

“Was I wrinkled?”