Punch Lines

Grand Performances: “Charlie Sheen received another year of probation after telling the judge at his hearing that he did use drugs earlier this year but was simply gearing up for the role of Robert Downey Jr. in an upcoming biographical film.” (Andrew Wisot)

The Second Act: As part of his probation, Charlie Sheen will have to perform 300 hours of community service. “And giving hookers shelter in his hotel room doesn’t count.” (Gary Easley)

Fore Play: “Actor Michael Douglas is being sued for $155 million by a caddy who claims Douglas hit a golf ball into his private parts. Even worse, Douglas asked him for a sand wedge to get it out.” (Conan O’Brien)

A Rail Good Time: A new federal transportation law will commit $55 million to research and develop the “Meglev,” a high-speed, magnetic-based levitating train. “Actually, the government has already developed a high-speed train that travels off its tracks. It’s called Amtrak.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Flying High: In Clearwater, Fla., a guy was arrested for dunking his parrot in a margarita. He was charged with cruelty. “The bird, too drunk to fly, screamed, ‘All I wanted was a darn cracker!’ ” (Stan Kaplan)

Phone Tap: The FTC reports that thousands of phone customers have found mysterious charges on their monthly bills. “So that’s what AT&T; stands for: ‘Always tacking on and tacking on.’ ” (Wisot)

Slimed: It’s been reported that a third of all amphibians have disappeared in America. “Unfortunately, the rest are tied up with White House grand jury investigations.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

To Tell the Truth: Discussing his upcoming testimony, President Clinton said he was looking forward to telling the truth. “Well, sure, a person’s first time is always exciting.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Edits: Private parts of the infamous Watergate tapes, which were the key evidence in the Nixon-era presidential scandal, are set to be cut and destroyed. “Coincidentally, Hillary Clinton wants to do the same thing to the private parts in this presidential scandal.” (Cecera)

Dan’s Adventures: Dan Quayle called a three-week halt to his 2000 presidential campaigning in Iowa and New Hampshire. “It’s vacation time. He thinks he might fly out to Las Vegas and see those two guys Sigmund and Freud.” (Argus Hamilton)

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