Punch Lines
The Naked Eye: Under certain conditions, when you use one of Sony’s new infrared video cameras, you can see through people’s clothes. “Boy, those family vacation videos may be a whole lot more interesting this year.” (Paul Steinberg)
A Sweet Idea: There’s a new cereal on the market called Oreo O’s. “What kind of mother would serve a bunch of broken cookies for breakfast?” (Jay Leno)
Reinventing Government: A man in Florida offered to pay Monica Lewinsky half a million dollars for her dress if it turns out that it was stained by President Clinton. “After hearing about it, the president said, ‘Hey, this gives me a whole new way to do fund-raisers.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)
New and Improved: “60 Minutes II” will premiere in January. “This one’s a lot hipper than the old show. It opens with a digital watch and closes with a commentary by Mickey Rooney.” (Russ Myers)
Out on a Limb: It’s been rumored that DreamWorks is in talks with McDonald’s about product tie-ins with the movie “Saving Private Ryan.” “Instead of giving away action figures of the main characters, with every Happy Meal you get a severed limb.” (Tom S. Parker)
Milestones: Thirty years after applying for permission, the Rolling Stones finally performed their first concert in Russia. “When asked to comment on this, a Russian citizen standing in a bread line replied ‘Thirty years? Wow! They must’ve have known someone.’ ” (Jeff Corveau)
The Night Before: Geneva scientists have developed a new morning-after pill. “In this instance, however, the men take it, and it allows them to see the woman as she looked in the dim-lit bar the night before.” (Corveau)
Stiffed: Universal Studios announced that Michael Douglas will star with Meryl Streep in a film called “Still Life.” “I guess they couldn’t get their first choice--Al Gore.” (Jerry Perisho)
Short Briefings: Keebler, the cookie and cracker maker, reported that its second-quarter earnings rose 38%. “At least we think that’s what the little guy was saying. He couldn’t even reach the microphone.” (Perisho)
Boob Tube: A new study shows that people in homes with Internet capability watch 15% less TV. “That’s because they’re spending 85% more time on the Windows 98 technical help line.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
