LAUGH LINES

Down, Boy!: Some House Democrats voted to impeach President Clinton. “The loss of support has gotten so bad that now Buddy the dog is insisting Clinton should be the one to roll over.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Stranger Than Fiction: Bob Dole has been hired by a pharmaceutical company to do TV ads for Viagra. “Who would’ve guessed 2 1/2 years ago that Clinton would be denying he had sex and Dole would be out there bragging?” (Jay Leno)

It’s the New Menu: A woman is suing McDonald’s claiming that she found a condom in her chicken sandwich. A spokesman for McDonald’s said, “That’s just our new sandwich, McRibbed.” (Conan O’Brien)

Making a List and Checking It Twice: According to E! Entertainment TV, Demi Moore will take Bruce Willis back as long as he comes up with a list of all the women he’s slept with. “That came as quite a relief to Willis. He was afraid she would make him watch ‘Striptease’ again.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Ouch: A New York woman is reportedly suing Starbucks because she says she received third-degree burns from its coffee. “She’s asking for $1 million, or, as the coffeehouse calls it, three double lattes.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Muscling In: Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania say they have restored muscle in aging mice by injecting them with genes. “The first trials on humans weren’t so encouraging, though researchers were able to keep Strom Thurmond awake during committee meetings.” (Sostrin)

Seeking Access: A Virginia company is helping connect the world to the Internet by providing speedy Web access in nations where no connections existed. By the end of December, citizens in the Democratic Republic of Congo will be online. “This is exciting for the people of Congo. Now, if the country can afford its first computer, they’ll be all set.” (Mark Wheeler)

Stay Tuned: American Express is planning to produce TV commercials starring Jerry Seinfeld that aim to be 30-second versions of “Seinfeld,” complete with a continuous story line. “And NBC says they plan to lengthen the ads to 30 minutes and air them Thursdays at 9.” (Andrew Wisot)

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The Essential David Letterman

Signs you’re having a bad holiday season:

4. All of the Christmas cards you receive are addressed to “Resident.”

3. On the one hand you got that great new clock radio; on the other hand, there are cruise missiles heading for your palace.

2. The first words your Furby says are, “Take me back to the store.”

1. The FBI finds your “genetic material” on Mrs. Claus’ dress.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.