‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

And, now (sound of drumroll) it’s time for the “Only In L.A. Holiday Special!” on radio station K-Only. But, first, a freeway bulletin, from the book, “The Night Before Christmas in California” (Gibbs Smith, Publisher):

On the night before Christmas,

All down 101,

The traffic was deadlocked,

It wasn’t much fun.

(Remember--traffic reports every 20 seconds in “Only in L.A.”).

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OUR FIRST MUSICAL SELECTION: It’s the opening of “White Christmas” by Irving Berlin--the opening that is almost NEVER recorded. Berlin wrote the song while homesick in Beverly Hills (which sounds like a joke, but isn’t).

All together now:

The sun is shining, the grass is green,

The orange and palm trees sway.

There’s never been such a day

In Beverly Hills, L.A.

But it’s December the 24th

And I am longing to be up north.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know.

(Up north? Up the 99? To Bakersfield or Fresno? What do you think, traffic tipsters?)

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MEANWHILE ON THE 101: With Santa stalled in “The Night Before Christmas,” emergency replacements have been sought:

The governor was called,

And the mayors alerted,

The need for solutions,

Was loudly asserted.

They called on the Warriors,

They called on the Lakers,

The Giants, Niners, Clippers...

But there were no takers.

(Naturally, the striking Warriors, Lakers and Clippers were probably looking for handouts. Let us know if you see any tall guys at freeway onramps, tipsters.)

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WHICH REMINDS US: Here’s a selection from “A Parent’s Guide to the Worst Toys of 1998,” by Manhattan Beach artist Keith Robinson (see accompanying). NBA fever--don’t catch it!

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SYMBOLS OF THE SEASON: Rosemarie Patronette of L.A. was intrigued by the holiday-themed card she received from the Department of Water and Power as part of the agency’s low-flush toilet campaign (see photo). “Personally I always associate Christmas and toilets,” she said sarcastically. Then, again, the card is a reminder of where the NBA season has gone.

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NORTH POLE ANNEX: Jay Berman of Manhattan Beach was driving down Crenshaw Boulevard in Torrance when he noticed a company sign (see photo) that had been altered for the holidays. (More traffic reports appear in “Only in L.A.” than in any other local column.)

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CIVILIAN DISGUISE: Ray Bourguignon, a Santa Claus actor, was walking through Griffith Park on his way to have his photo taken with others in Adrienne Omansky’s city-sponsored acting class for seniors. He was in his civvies but had his outfit in his suitcase.

A small boy, noticing Bourguignon’s white beard, stopped him and said, “Why don’t you dress up and be Santa Claus?” Bourguignon opened his suitcase and let the lad take a peek. The boy smiled and whispered, “That’ll be our secret.”

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THIS JUST IN: Santa has broken free of the traffic jam in “. . . Christmas in California,” which concludes:

From Southland to Napa,

Sierras to coast,

Came a message from Santa,

More grateful than most.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

(Traffic reports every 20 seconds in “Only in L.A.”)

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AND, NOW, THE SMALL PRINT: Contributed by Jenifer Wald Morgan, from a lawyer’s holiday card she received:

“By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.”

miscelLAny:

On the subject of holiday gift-giving in the legal profession, Justice Arthur Gilbert of the 2nd District Court of Appeal in Ventura quipped to the L.A. Daily Journal: “An attorney shouldn’t give his secretary a negligee--particularly if the secretary is a man.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.