One-Stop Shopping for 1999 Resolutions

The year-end process of swearing off bad habits remains an annual ritual for millions of people, as they resolve to give up smoking, eat less junk food, stop bickering with family or shed that extra 10 pounds.

Image-conscious Hollywood denizens seldom like to publicly acknowledge their shortcomings, so in the spirit of giving, we offer these New Year’s resolutions for the television industry to contemplate--initiatives that might help TV, figuratively speaking, serve less junk food.

It’s been an especially long year for the major networks, so we generously offer each of them multiple resolutions. Those wishing to embrace these goals may do so under an honor system that’s probably more precise than Nielsen’s ratings methodology. In this case, participants need only raise a remote control and state the following: “I, [your network or name here], hereby resolve to . . . “

NBC: Air no more than three “very special” sitcom episodes in which the promos imply someone may be dying when it turns out the character merely had a little gas after a spicy meal.

Schedule, at most, two new sitcoms about single white women living in New York who, despite being beautiful, for some reason can’t find a man.

Refrain from running ads touting new shows as being “From the creators of” this or that program. Such designations didn’t do much for “Encore! Encore!” and “Trinity,” the canceled series “from the creators of” “Frasier” and “ER,” respectively.

Cap “Dateline NBC” at its current five editions per week, or else replace the Peacock logo with Jane Pauley.

CBS: Resist putting the star’s name in any more program titles, with all due respect to Cybill Shepherd, Bill Cosby and Brian Benben. (This is a good rule of thumb for any network in case a star goes insane, asks for more money, or both.)

Hire someone with the guts to tell CBS Corp. chief Mel Karmazin that Howard Stern’s shtick plays a lot better on radio, and that infomercials should only be broadcast after midnight.

Not get greedy and launch “60 Minutes III, IV and V” until it’s scientifically possible to clone Mike Wallace.

ABC: Identify all programs that are really just thinly veiled promotion for movies, products or theme parks from corporate parent Disney as the infomercials they are.

Limit family comedies to four adorably precocious kids, only two of whom can be identical twins.

Remain patient with the season’s most promising new series, “Sports Night,” despite its mediocre ratings and hard-to-label mix of comedy and drama.

Talk to Barbara Walters before her scheduled Monica Lewinsky interview, warning her that no matter how earnest she tries to appear, using certain words and phrases will evoke peals of unintentional laughter.

Fox: Run fewer specials including video of men being mauled by anything with more than two legs, or featuring the words “Wildest,” “Scariest,” “Deadliest” or “Most Dangerous” in the title.

Not leave the dreary “Millennium” on the air just because the title will be really cool a year from now.

The WB: Cast someone who isn’t gorgeous and 18 years old in a new series just to see if anyone under 35 tunes in.

Explain to the rest of us, who at least remember high school, how it can be that these gorgeous teenagers who talk like 40-year-old lawyers have such tough, angst-ridden lives.

UPN: Use the time-travel machine featured on the network’s sci-fi show “Seven Days” to turn back the clock, change history and make sure “The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer” never happens.

Not order another show involving anyone named “Pfeiffer,” unless it’s Michelle, or her husband, producer David E. Kelley, is writing it.

David E. Kelley: Take a week off and let someone else write an episode of “The Practice” or “Ally McBeal.” You can use the spare time to write a novel and a couple of movie scripts.

Sitcom writers: Avoid including more than three moments in any episode when someone says something and the studio audience goes “Woooooo!”

Give that one black lesbian character added to the cast as a feeble affirmative-action gesture some semblance of a real personality.

Not include an easy, obvious joke about sex, flatulence or using the more colorful four- and five-letter words at your disposal before first considering at least three alternatives.

L.A.’s TV news directors: Try to prevent showing people shoot themselves, set themselves on fire or remove their pants on live television in 1999, all of which happened during one particularly gruesome incident in ’98.

Cover every fifth freeway chase, just to improve the odds of not having to relive that experience.

HBO: Try imposing at least some restraints on the excesses of producers reveling in what they can get away with on pay cable. The prison drama “Oz,” in particular, falls into this “They let me create a show without any parental supervision” category.

TNT: Run a disclaimer under all applicable original movies that says, “In order to get [insert star’s name here] to act in this vanity project, we let [him/her] direct it.”

TBS: Continue showing “Jaws,” a James Bond film and at least one Clint Eastwood movie every single day.

ESPN and Fox Sports West: Give a chance to just one sports anchor who shows game highlights and reads scores without the by-now obligatory vaudeville act.

CNN: Try to come up with exciting original programming--something you don’t have to publicly retract and apologize for later--to schedule between U.S. military actions in the Persian Gulf.

MSNBC and Fox News Channel: Test how low your ratings really are by letting an anchor report an entire newscast in the nude to see if anyone notices.

Comedy Central: Revitalize “South Park” before someone points out the show is starting to wear thin and hasn’t come up with anything terribly imaginative or clever since the fourth episode. If not, by this time next year you’ll be saying, “Omigod! We killed our franchise show!,” and figuring out what to do with warehouses full of unsold plush toys and calendars.

American Movie Classics: Admit you are running out of classics and change network name to the Reasonably Good American Movie Channel.

Jimmy Smits, former “NYPD Blue” star: Begin preparing a speech regarding the decision to return to TV after starring in a couple of lousy movies. (Text from David Caruso’s speech is still on file in the Office of Questionable Career Moves.)

Will anyone actually carry out these resolutions? Look at it this way: Did you lose those 10 pounds?