What Jews Don’t Do Besides, Well, That

My friend Riva is very upset. “Monica Lewinsky crossed a line,” she says. “This oral sex thing--everyone knows Jewish girls don’t do that. Now she’s ruined it for the rest of us.”

I happen to be Jewish, and I believe Riva might be operating on a false assumption. But then again, I’m only a convert, so maybe that rule was something they forgot to let me in on.

I was mulling this issue with my friend David Harris, who cuts my hair. David is an erstwhile Brit who, even though he now is a naturalized American citizen, has clung steadfastly through the years to his Doc Martens, his accent and his slightly warped sense of humor. He’s also Jewish.

As he slathered bleach on my roots, we began enumerating other things we’re pretty sure Jews don’t do. We came up with quite a list. I plan to share it with you, but only if you promise not to call up and complain about it. This column is an equal-opportunity offender. The Italians had their turn a couple of weeks ago. Fair’s fair.

I also hasten to point out that just because one or more Jews may actually perform any or all of these activities, that doesn’t invalidate the first principle. Remember, the exception proves the rule. Furthermore, I’m not saying that Jews should or shouldn’t do these things. I’m just saying that for the most part they don’t.

They don’t:

Dress up in white sheets and burn crosses on people’s lawns.

Listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Ride horses and shoot guns at the same time.

Sail around the world single-handedly.

Use leaf blowers.

Let cleaning ladies go without lunch, even if it’s only chunk tuna.

Become Olympic figure skaters.

Christen ships.

Leave any floral arrangements on the tables at the end of a wedding.

Give money to Pat Robertson.

Name their children Clint, Rod or Paddy.

Eat grits, greens and ham hocks.

Chew tobacco.

Make quilts.

Shop at Piggly Wiggly.

Get a “farmer’s tan.”

Become Scientologists.

Become sushi chefs.

Think they’re too thin or their hips are too narrow.

Rule out plastic surgery.

Wear short acrylic nails.

Fake orgasm unless absolutely necessary.

Fight bulls.

Cut cane.

Play the tuba in an oompah band.

Become lumberjacks or lobster fishermen.

Sell roses by the side of the freeway.

Dive for pearls.

Get drunk and sing “Danny Boy” at funerals.

Root for Vanessa Redgrave at the Oscars.

Join the bomb squad.

Get into shark cages.

Work as rodeo clowns.

Eat menudo.

Eat blood sausage.

Serve plum pudding.

Refuse to go for Chinese food.

Play mah-jongg with Asians.

Wear crucifixes except as a fashion statement.

Call their parents as often as their parents think they should.

Call jeans “dungarees” or soft drinks “pop.”

Let the gray show.

Wear loafers without socks.

Say “some of my best friends are . . . “

Marry into the British royal family.

Ride to hounds.

Lose their sense of humor when people make jokes about them.