Off-Kilter

When Bad Lyrics Happen to Good Songs, Part II: After alerting you to Northwestern University law professor Steven Lubet’s crusade against stupid lyrics in otherwise great rock tunes, we received a number of nominees from readers. The good thing about reporting on this problem is we don’t have to worry about bad songs getting stuck in our heads; just bad lyrics, which are much more tolerable.

And the finalists are:

* “Riders on the Storm” by the Doors: “There’s a killer on the road. His brain is squirming like a toad.” Reader John Unrath, who submitted the verse, says: “This is as bad a stretch as I think there can be.”

* Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” for the baffling refrain: “R-e-s-p-e-c-t, find out what it means to me. R-e-s-p-e-c-t, take out TCP.” Reader John Field comments, “I’m a white guy, so TCP may be some lingo I’m not aware of. Otherwise, if you take out the letters TCP from the title, you end up with RESE. Doesn’t make sense.”

Actually, this entry set off a heated debate here. Numerous colleagues (and a deejay at KACE-FM) insisted the line is “Take care of TCB,” an abbreviation for “taking care of business.” But a New York Times lyric book and a University of Tennessee research paper on the song that we found via Internet support the TCP version.

* Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s “Still You Turn Me On”: “Every day a little sadder, a little madder, someone get me a ladder.” Reader Jeff Agnew says, “I cringe just typing it.”

* The Grass Roots got a nod for “Wait a Million Years,” a great song that includes the line: “And I’d wait a million years, walk a million miles, cry a million tears.” It sounds fine, says correspondent Troxey Kemper, until you think about the Earth’s circumference being 24,900 miles and realize this guy will be trudging around the equator for all eternity.

* Several of you suggested Neil Diamond’s “I am I said, to no one there, and no one heard at all, not even the chair.” Although the lyrics are admirably inane, the judges feel it would be morally indefensible to call a Neil Diamond song “good” (with the possible exception of “I’m a Believer,” which was saved by the Monkees). Disqualified.

Finally, in a related story, Rhino Records is releasing a CD called “Party Killers,” a collection of such thoroughly dreadful tunes as “Feelings” by Morris Albert, “Sometimes When We Touch” by Dan Hill (dang, we knew if we started typing these titles, the melodies would start playing in our heads), “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero” by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods (our brain is melting), “Torn Between Two Lovers” (argh!) by Mary MacGregor and (dare we even mention it?) “Muskrat Love” by the Captain & Tennille. Each and every one of them is a good reason for expanding the use of capital punishment.

Ministry of Frightening Statistics: Illinois state Treasurer Judy Baar Topinka says the Land of Lincoln’s $37.4-billion state budget would be enough to pay for 83,111,111 accordions.

Got (Airborne) Milk? Last Wednesday was the 68th anniversary of the first cow flying in an airplane while being milked. But that’s not the strangest part. The milk was then poured into tiny containers and parachuted over St. Louis.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Boss Paints White Stripe Down Smelly Employee’s Back!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Wireless Flash, Chicago Sun-Times