Punch Lines

Springfeld: Jerry Springer may get his own sitcom. “It will be about four friends who hang out in a New York cafe and beat the crap out of each other.” (Daily Scoop)

Birthday Boy: Star Trek’s James Doohan turned 78. “Set the catheter to full power, Scotty.” (Dennis Miller)

Jack Attack: Jack Kevorkian has assisted in his 100th suicide. “He’ll receive a gold syringe to mark the accomplishment.” (Paul Ecker)

Jack II: “The latest score places Kevorkian a mere 814 behind Jim Jones.” (Craig Kilborn)

Card Sharps: Topps baseball cards now come with sound chips, allowing collectors to hear familiar phrases associated with today’s stars. “Each player asks for more money.” (Alan Ray)

Scandal in the Wind: Sgt. Major Gene McKinney was acquitted of sexual harassment charges. “If it’s good enough for the commander in chief, it’s good enough for the enlisted men.” (Jay Leno)

Scandal II: Rep. Joe Kennedy of Massachusetts is quitting politics. “Apparently, the Kennedys got together and decided they can’t compete with Clinton on this sex thing. He’s too good.” (Leno)

Scandal III: In a swipe at President Clinton, the Rev. Jerry Falwell noted that he’s never been alone with any woman except his wife and daughter. “Big deal. Woody Allen can say the same thing.” (Leno)

Scandal IV: The movie “Grease” is being rereleased. In it, John Travolta played a slick rock ‘n’ roller who has the hots for a young high school queen. “It’s a role he’s reprising in ‘Primary Colors.’ ” (Ray)

Rap Report: Billboard magazine recently reported that rap is the most popular music among teens. Although it began in the inner city, suburban rap is the latest rage. “Its big new star is Tucar Garage.” (Argus Hamilton)

Apocalypse Later: Astronomers now say a milewide asteroid will not come as perilously close to the Earth in 2028 as earlier believed. “Potheads are deeply disappointed. They heard there was a chance the whole world would get stoned.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Apocalypse II: However, the asteroid will be close enough to pick up stragglers from the Heaven’s Gate cult.” (Daily Scoop)

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