All They Need Are Some Field Goooooooooals

Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune comparing the Chargers to a soccer team after they had defeated Baltimore on Sunday, 14-13:

“Offensively, they do everything but dribble the ball with their feet. And given the way a few of them catch, that might not be a bad idea. One of these weeks, we’re going to get corner kicks. Throw-ins. Headers.

” . . . Fortunately for this little team, it has a stout defense--kind of like Italy’s--and there are other offenses in the NFL that are just as inept as theirs. If not worse.

“One of them came to town yesterday. The Baltimore Ravens. Dreary, weak and weary. Forgotten lore. Neverscore.”

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Trivia time: Who is the only Atlanta Falcon coach who had a career winning record before Dan Reeves?

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No respect: Bernie Lincicome of the Chicago Tribune writing on Michigan’s 27-10 victory over previously unbeaten Wisconsin:

“Wisconsin might have gotten a clue it was going to be a bad day when the officials at the coin toss referred to Michigan’s opponent as ‘Indiana.’ ”

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No contest: Billie Jean King, now 50-something as Bobby Riggs was for their showdown, on how she would fare against young stars Martina Hingis, Venus Williams and Lindsay Davenport:

“I’m in better shape than Riggs was, but I wouldn’t get a point unless they double-faulted.”

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You know record: “On ABC’s ‘Monday Night Football,’ analyst Boomer Esiason used the expression ‘you know’ 54 times,” points out syndicated columnist Norman Chad.

“If Esiason’s touchdown-interception ratio was as poor as his good comment-bad comment ratio, he would’ve been out of football, you know, a lot sooner.”

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The real skinny: Skater Katarina Witt, who posed for Playboy, says there were nude beaches in East Germany, where she grew up.

“I used to go to them--until, of course, people recognized me,” she said. “They would see me on the beach, look at me and say, ‘Nice to meet you,’ but they wouldn’t be looking at my face.”

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Broken record: Michael Hiestand in USA Today: “ESPN’s Sean Salisbury, an ex-NFL quarterback, was on hand for Sunday’s Pittsburgh-Tennessee game and ended his report by discussing Tennessee runner Eddie George:

“Eddie George, Eddie George. I’ve lost my train of thought. Eddie George is, uh, going to run. Take it back guys, I’m lost.”

Hiestand: “Honest man.”

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Trivia answer: Leeman Bennett, 47-44, 1977-1982.

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And finally: Mike Bruton of the Philadelphia Inquirer on Utah Jazz star Karl Malone’s sudden demand for a trade last week on his AM 1150 radio show:

“The man has been saying crazy things on the radio. He’s ripping the media and his formerly beloved team, the Utah Jazz. He’s challenging authority. He sounds like Charles Barkley.

“Could this madness have come from Rogaine use? This is not the Karl Malone we have come to know.”