Punch Lines

Coming of Age: The Postal Service says it will print yellow smiley-face stamps to commemorate the 1970s. “To add to the embarrassment for those of us who lived in the ‘70s, the stamps will be cut in the shape of a leisure suit.” (Jerry Perisho)

“Gilligan!”: Hurricane Georges wreaked havoc on Caribbean cruise liners. Safety precautions were in place, but “just in case, each lifeboat came equipped with a skipper, a professor, a movie star, a millionaire and his wife.” (Argus Hamilton)

Reach Out and Touch: Mail carriers in Omaha will be given cellular phones to use for free in case of emergency. “Hey, if they’d just let people on their routes use the phones, we could eliminate mail all together!” (Perisho)

A Star Is Born: Astronomers using the Keck telescope in Hawaii have discovered a quasar trillions of miles away--a giant ball of gas circling the outer fringe. “They’ve named it the Ken Starr.” (Hamilton)

Talk of the Town: An ad agency in Florida is coming out with a new series of TV commercials featuring a talking sandwich. “Let’s hope Taco Bell doesn’t try this with their Burrito Supreme.” (Steve Voldseth)

Doctor Doctor: Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop believes that without proper control, managed care systems could undermine the integrity of American medical practice. “It’s a good thing they’re looking out for our best interest now.” (David Christensen)

Why Waste Time?: The NBA has canceled early exhibition games. “If they really want to shorten the season, convince Jordan to play and just hand the trophy back over to the Bulls.” (Premiere Radio)

Flaky Remake: According to Daily Variety, Mel Gibson is negotiating to star in a big-screen version of “Hogan’s Heroes.” “Two words: ‘McHale’s Navy.’ Two more words: ‘Mr. Magoo.’ Two really big words: ‘The Avengers.’ “(Premiere)

Military Intelligence: The Pentagon has ordered 153 publications, including Penthouse, Playgirl and Hustler, off military bases. “It’s part of the Pentagon’s new ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Even Look’ policy.” (Premiere)

The Pitts: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, boyfriend and girlfriend, are going to demonstrate their love by getting matching tattoos on their butts. “Since they plan to marry and share his last name, their tattoos will say ‘My other butt’s a Pitt.’ ” (Bill Williams)

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