LAUGH LINES

Help Wanted: Shaquille O’Neal is making only about 40% of his free throws. “The latest hit show in Hollywood sports circles is a Lakers production. It’s called ‘Who Wants to Be a Free Throw Instructor?’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Oh, Baby: The McCaughey septuplets have turned 2. “Imagine having seven babies running around. Even NBA coaches only have to deal with five at a time.” (Daily Scoop)

Say What?: “British papers have quoted Madonna as saying that ‘even stupid people in Britain are smarter than Americans.’ This from the woman who appeared in ‘Shanghai Surprise,’ ‘Dick Tracy,’ ‘Who’s That Girl?’ and ‘Body of Evidence.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top 10 Signs James Bond

Just Doesn’t Care Anymore

9. His “new” car? An ’88 Buick LeSabre.

6. Favorite gadget: the George Foreman Barbecue Grill.

5. Spends entire movie saying, “Yeah, baby,” then cracking up.

4. He’ll only accept assignment if he’s home in time for “ER.”

1. If you give him a stirred martini, he won’t be happy, but he’ll drink it.

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.