LAUGH LINES

G reen-and-white stuff: “According to new figures, 90% of all paper money in the U.S. has traces of cocaine on it. You know what this means? The million dollars that guy won on ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire’ has a street value of $125 trillion.” (Andrew Wisot)

Strike One: “The New York City Ballet Orchestra went on strike last week. About 25 of the striking musicians picketed at Lincoln Center. There were no incidents, but it really kept the local cops on their toes.” (Ira Lawson)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Announcements New York

Mayor Giuliani

Would Like To Make

10. “On my way over here, I jaywalked 17 times.”

8. “I love the night life--I love to boogie!”

6. “Thanks to me, now there’s 70% fewer dead guys riding the subways.”

5. “We’re painting New York City next week, so everyone will have to stay in Newark for a few days.”

3. “You’re looking at the new lead singer of Van Halen.”

2. “Thanks to Epilady, my legs have never been so smooth.”

1. “I’m engaged to Jerry Seinfeld.”

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.