Where’s Kato Kaelin When We Really Need Him?

Who’d have thought it? That out of the mouth of Geraldo Rivera would come wisdom and insight about the electile dysfunction gripping our nation.

“This is still impeachment. This is still Whitewater,” he said last week. For once, though, the man who brought us Al Capone’s vault and stories of satanic ritual abuse didn’t go far enough. He failed to say that it’s not only Whitewater and impeachment, it’s also Desert Storm, O.J. Simpson, the Menendez brothers and the Iran hostage crisis wrapped up in one big package.

The hostage mega-story was the first all-televised, months-long national morality play. It made Ted Koppel a star. His gravity and calm made him our nightly therapist in an insecure time. Who can now remember the name of a single hostage? Yet, Koppel still tucks us into bed each night.

What we didn’t grasp then was that those events would be the model for a new phenomenon: the can’t-stop-watching story. Stories so big we dare not miss a single news bite for fear of seeming out of touch. You didn’t see Scud Stud Arthur Kent on TV last night? You didn’t see the way Marcia Clark badgered that poor witness? What’s wrong with you?

There’s one sure way to recognize you’re in the midst of a mega-story. And it’s not because it might change your life and affect the survival of the republic. It’s that the people in it become as big as the story itself.

Who can deny that Monica Lewinsky and her dress attracted as much attention as the constitutional principles involved in the impeachment debate? Who remembers why we liberated Kuwait? But we all recall that Army Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf was bigger and badder than Saddam Hussein.

Having been through enough of these national soap operas, we have discovered what Irwin Allen realized long ago: Good blockbusters have a cast of intriguing characters. What would “The Poseidon Adventure” have been without Gene Hackman’s idealistic clergyman? He taught us the value of perseverance and brazen egoism in the face of complaints that “this is the way it’s always been done.” Sound like Al Gore?

Or Ernest Borgnine’s grouchy cop, who whined about Hackman’s refusal to give up in the face of enormous odds. Sound like George W. Bush?

Allen, Hollywood’s master of disaster, knew it wasn’t enough to burn down a big building or flip a big ship. You had to have good and evil, pathos and frivolity. Shelley Winters and Red Buttons. In the same way, would the O.J. trial have been as interesting without the laughs we got from Kato Kaelin? Would we have cared as much about the Clinton scandal if we didn’t have Linda Tripp to hiss at?

Because we all love awards shows, we have put together some nominations for best performances of Indecision 2000.

The Ted Koppel Award for Stamina and Grace Under Fire:

NBC anchor Brian Williams, who jokingly bragged to David Letterman that he had been on “every hour” for 14 days. “There are test patterns writing me and asking for more air time,” he said. A co-nominee is Chris Matthews, the unofficial Inquisitor-in-Chief. Not only has he managed to keep panels with unruly advocates such as attorney Alan Dershowitz in line, but he metes out punishment with evil glee--as when he chastised a Republican attorney who asked to be first after the commercial break by putting her last.

The Bobby Knight Award for Chair-Throwing and Referee Baiting:

The immortal G. Gordon Liddy is nominated for sounding ready to march on Tallahassee to restore order. In close competition is Democratic strategist Paul Begala, for slandering everyone in Oklahoma, Wyoming and Texas by declaring that those states, won by George W. Bush, are the ones where the federal building was bombed, gay college student Matthew Shepard was murdered and James Byrd was dragged to his death. Begala, for some reason, forgot to mention that his candidate, Al Gore, carried New York and California, home to such illustrious citizens as “Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz and “Night Stalker” Richard Ramirez.

The Chris Darden Second Banana Award:

Joe Lieberman, the once-dignified senator who can’t pass the salad dressing at dinner these days without saying: “Al Gore and I would like you to have this.” Runner-up is George W. Bush, who most agree should be second on the ticket to the stalwart Dick Cheney, who has already proven himself tougher than atherosclerosis. If Bush can’t shut up his dogs during interviews, how’s he going to muzzle Dick Gephardt?

The Linda Tripp Award for Leading Woman in the Role of a Villain:

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, though she could also be nominated for the Al Haig “I’m in Charge Here” Award, for usurping the reins of government. Her insistence on naming Bush the winner, by an eyelash, while her state continued to rage in turmoil about uncounted pregnant chads recalls Marie Antoinette’s pastry remark. We’d hate to see what would happen if Paul “Robespierre” Begala had access to a guillotine.

The Kato “Wimpy” Kaelin “Anybody Got a Burger” Award for Comic Relief:

There are always those characters, like Kaelin or Faye Resnick in the Simpson murder case, who manage to put a smile on our face whenever their dear little mugs show up on camera. Since most of the folks in this story are lawyers and politicians, it’s been exceedingly difficult to smile much these days. So we nominate the canvassing board member--a Republican, of course--who refused to delay her vacation so that she could help pick the next leader of the free world. Finishing just behind her is Palm Beach election supervisor Theresa LePore, who has managed to be despised both by Republicans, because she’s a Democrat, and Democrats, because she designed the infamous butterfly ballot.

The Walter Cronkite Most Reassuring Pundit in the Face of Our National Nightmare Award:

Carol Berkin, a history professor from the City University of New York, who said the founding fathers would be proud of us for not rushing violently into the streets. The only army in Florida, she said, “is an army of lawyers.” Asked what should be done next, she replied, “I’m not their mother. I can’t tell them what to do.” If only she were. If only she could.

The William Buckley Most Lofty Language in the Service of Greed Award:

Both parties are nominated. The Democrats for their constant refrain that we must protect the “sacred” right to vote. Voting is certainly a cornerstone of our democracy, but since when did standing in a booth smelling of the last guy’s Old Spice become an act of holiness? The Republicans win for constantly quoting the constitution’s equal-protection clause. What about the right to challenge an unfair election?

The Johnnie Cochran Award for Most Chutzpah by an Attorney:

This is too difficult, since attorneys so frequently display a lack of conscience. So let’s instead choose the best new stars on the legal front. For the Democrats, it would have to be David Boies, the ever-smiling vanquisher of Bill Gates. And for the Republicans, Barry Richard, the whip-smart Bush defender who accused the Florida Supreme Court of trying to usurp the Legislature’s role. Perhaps Richard can’t be nominated, though, because he can’t be a real Republican. Look at that puffy hair and that thin predatory frame.

The Paul Simon “Sounds of Silence” Award:

The sole nominee is U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. By remaining mum during Friday’s dramatic high court hearing, Thomas became the first person in America who, given the opportunity to publicly comment or ask questions on the chaotic presidential election, declined to utter a peep.

The Henny Youngman “Take My State, Please” Award:

Perpetual winner California loses this year to Florida, where seniors can’t read, politicians and judges are megalomaniacs and residents qualified to vote include O.J. Simpson. But the thing that really pushes it over the top is the fact that Florida is the state where Republicans riot.