Honk if You Aced the New DMV Written Examination

So many people have been flunking California’s written driving test that the DMV recently overhauled it. Unfortunately, the new exam is disqualifying even more people: The failure rate among first-time applicants jumped from 64% to 77%, even though the number of multiple-choice answers was cut from four to three per question and the reading level was dumbed down from eighth-grade to fifth-grade.

One possible explanation is that California drivers are, to use the clinical term, “getting stupider,” which is easy to believe if you’ve been on the freeway lately. Another theory involves the DMV’s revamped anti-cheating scheme. The new exam comes in 10 versions (instead of the previous five), uses a pool of 340 possible questions (instead of 120) and gets changed every three months.

Nevertheless, because of the higher failure rate, “we’re definitely going to take another look at the test,” says DMV spokesman Bill Branch.

No need. As a public service, The Times has created the perfect driving exam. We recently took it to the DMV, where we were told to stand in line at Window 1,084. That was about a week ago and we’ve barely moved. While we wait, here’s a preview:

If you are forced to drive in heavy fog, you should:

a. Roll down your window and keep yelling “Fore!”

b. Turn your radio up really loud so other drivers can hear you.

c. Drive really fast to get out of the fog as quickly as possible.

The best way to avoid a speeding ticket is to:

a. Make sure your vehicle has one of those bumper stickers that says, “If you see this car rockin’, don’t come knockin’.” If you get pulled over, just start rocking the car. Most officers will be too polite to disturb you and will leave the scene without issuing a ticket.

b. Drive faster than police.

c. Cover your entire car and body with aluminum foil to jam police radar.

You should honk if:

a. You love Jesus.

b. You’re following a funeral procession and wish to express your condolences in Morse code.

c. It’s 3 a.m. and everyone in your neighborhood is asleep and you want to let them know your favorite team has just won a national championship.

If the driver in front of you leaves his turn signal blinking for all eternity, you should:

a. Gently ram his vehicle from behind until you get his attention and he turns off the blinker.

b. Shoot out the offending taillight so it won’t annoy other motorists.

c. Follow him home, and when the coast is clear, let the air out of his tires.

A curb painted red means:

a. Parking for emergency vehicles only, unless you’re wearing red clothing, then it’s OK.

b. You can park there if you paint the curb another color.

c. Nothing. The city was simply trying to add a splash of color to an otherwise drab street.

If another motorist cuts you off on the freeway, you should:

a. Force him off the road and challenge him to a game of rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets the right of way.

b. Avoid escalating the situation. Instead, make a game of it by swerving in front of some other motorist, setting off a chain reaction of squealing tires and evasive maneuvers that will eventually cause a gnarly pileup that you can laugh at on the 11 o’clock news.

c. Resist the urge for revenge. Go home and yell at the dog instead.

Drivers should never use a cell phone when:

a. An obscene hand gesture will do the trick.

b. Aiming a firearm at another car, because it’s harder to shoot while talking on the phone.

c. Crashing through the front of a dining establishment that has a “no cell phones” policy.

Which of the following bumper stickers is legal but shouldn’t be:

a. “My child is an honor student at. . .”

b. “I brake for . . . “

c. “I’d rather be counting chads.”

This sign means:

a. Reduce speed to 25 mph.

b. Stop! In the name of love! Before you break my heart. (Baby think it over) . . .

c. In the game of bridge, a tactic to hold key cards that prevent an opponent from running a suit. So if you and your passengers are playing cards, this sign is a reminder.

If you become sleepy while driving, it is best to:

a. Set the car on cruise control, then climb into the back seat for a short nap.

b. Turn an angry ferret loose in the passenger cabin.

c. Drop the cigarette lighter in your lap any time you start nodding off.

Before changing lanes in traffic, you need to:

a. Consult an astrological chart to be sure the stars favor the new lane.

b. Create some kind of diversion--such as tossing a box of Florida ballots out the window--to distract other motorists while you slip into the next lane unchallenged.

c. Consider whether your desire to change lanes is merely an excuse to avoid a deep-seated need to change your life.

The call boxes along the freeway may be used to:

a. Order pizza.

b. Make international calls.

c. Ask the CHP dispatcher, “Is your refrigerator running? Well, then, you’d better go catch it.”

The carpool lane is open to:

a. People who hear three or more voices in their head.

b. A ventriloquist traveling with a dummy.

c. Any driver who is accompanied by a pet that is “so smart it practically seems human.”

Roy Rivenburg can be reached at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.