Kobe’s Task: To Become Boring, er, Scoring Leader

I have read Phil Jackson’s books, listened to his philosophy, and as I’ve long suspected, he’s trying to ruin the game of basketball.

I’m telling you, the guy is committed like no one this game has ever seen to putting you to sleep.

“Boring is good,” he said before Tuesday night’s game against Philadelphia, and if boring was good more people would attend hockey games.

“I want to have boring 20-point wins,” he added, and I could tell by the twinge of regret in his voice that he’d like to have the chance to beat up on UCLA like everyone else.

Now understand me, I’m not advocating banning Jackson from the game, because fortunately Michael Jordan showed us that you can overcome this thing Jackson has about teamwork, passing the ball and getting the other guys involved--as if it ever makes sense to put the ball in Luc Longley’s hands.

But this is the guy who tried to homogenize Jordan--a sporting crime.

I still cringe, recalling those wonderful Chicago days when someone would catch Jordan in an interview before a game, and he would talk about the importance of getting the ball to his teammates early on--thereby ruining any chance he might have of scoring 50 or 60 points.

Now you know Jordan was only repeating what Jackson had told him, and that’s the thing, we all have to swallow hard when our bosses act as if they know better--tell me about it.

In the long run, Jordan demonstrated his brilliance--putting on a show and at the same time making Jackson think he had something to do with it.

This is now Kobe Bryant’s assignment. He faces the delicate task of leading the league in scoring, while letting Jackson think he’s developing him and subscribing to all this nonsense about pounding the ball inside.

Excuse me, I must pause for a moment to maintain my composure: Bryant just went to the hoop like a man armed with flubber, the crowd rising to its feet--with the exception of Jackson--thrilled less than three minutes into the game to see something almost superhuman taking place.

Back to a boring Jackson. So what were you doing when you were 22?

“I was getting a master’s degree in psychology,” he said, and talk about boring. “And I was carrying a full-time job as an NBA basketball player.”

We’re you capable of doing things at the level Kobe’s doing them now?

“He wasn’t capable of doing things at my level,” replied Jackson.

As you can see, we have a problem here.

“Kobe is coming into his own,” Jackson said, “and I don’t want people pushing him--I don’t want scoring to become a big issue--that’s not important.”

As you can see, we have a problem here.

“What we’re talking about here is the team, and the emphasis of this team is that Shaquille [O’Neal] is a dominant player. If Kobe scores easy, that’s wonderful . . . but in the process we don’t want to lose the emphasis of attacking inside.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Shaq’s big, everyone get out of his way, and he will score. He’s a nice guy, no one is better at his position, and he can back his way all the way to the hoop any time he wants. But we’re talking about excitement here--entertainment--and Jackson has had a front-row seat to watch two of the game’s most thrilling players.

Hasn’t that been fun?

“No, I can’t appreciate that,” Jackson said. “I’m a coach first.”

I have confidence in Kobe that he can overcome that.

I must pause again: Kobe just caught a Brian Shaw alley-oop pass with one hand and stuffed it, maybe the most spectacular play he has ever made.

Did Jackson allow himself to smile?

“No,” he said after the game. “It was pretty neat, wasn’t it?”

Maybe there’s hope.

*

I WAS SITTING about 10 feet from Pamela Anderson at Staples Center on Tuesday night. I know what you’re thinking--what about an autograph?

Sorry, I don’t like giving them when I’m on duty.

*

NOW AS SOON as I tell you that the Philadelphia 76ers were in town and a man was shot outside Staples Center before the game, you’re going to ask where was Allen Iverson, and was this some kind of rap album publicity stunt?

No, apparently two scalpers got in an argument--Clipper tickets, no doubt--and after splitting up, one returned to shoot the other in the rear end.

Staples Center officials immediately fired off letters to the mayor, the City Council and city attorney demanding better scalping enforcement and stricter punishment for trying to sell tickets at a higher price than they do.

*

THIS IS AN outrage. The basketball team is just dreadful, an embarrassment really to UCLA, and there have to be serious questions raised about the job the coach is doing.

It’s so bad now, there is no telling who the Bruins are going to lose to next. They can’t handle a zone, can’t shoot, and play with no discipline, which makes them an organized disgrace, which all goes back to the coach.

I know this, we have not received one angry e-mail or heard one Bill Walton outburst suggesting that Kathy Olivier be dismissed, although her UCLA women’s basketball team sits dead at 0-6.

The only explanation: To paraphrase a singing Maurice Chevalier, “Thank heavens for a double standard.”

*

I LOVE THIS quote from Jackson, speaking about O’Neal’s free-throw woes: “His shooting coach was in about three weeks ago.”

Three weeks ago? I’d have this guy living in a trailer hitched to O’Neal’s car at all times.

*

MEMO TO MIKE Garrett: I’ve been advised by Sports Editor Bill Dwyre that he will not stand in my way if I have the opportunity to become USC’s new football coach.

*

TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Marc:

“Am I the only guy in L.A. who loves your columns and thinks you are hilarious?”

According to Dwyre--you are.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address:t.j.simers@latimes.com