LAUGH LINES

Acting Up: “Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly is being sued for (allegedly) having some of his friends beat up a writer over a spat about actress Elizabeth Berkeley. . .Forget about fighting. After his last few movie disasters, DiCaprio should get his friends to act for him” (Alex Kaseberg)

What Standards?: “One of the issues that the Supreme Court considered was that there were no standards when it came to counting votes. . . . Now we are worried about standards? . . . If we had any standards, . . . [George W. Bush and Al Gore] wouldn’t have been the candidates.” (Jay Leno)

A Small Fortune: “Shortstop Alex Rodriguez gets a $252-million contract [with the Texas Rangers]. . . . Over 10 years, that works out to more than $166,000 per game--or roughly about what it would cost a family of four to attend one.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

It’s Party Time: President-elect “George W. Bush has said that given the circumstances and all that went on [with the election], it will be a dignified inauguration. . . . Just a simple swearing-in at noon . . . followed by a toga party. . . .” (Leno)

Losing the Name Game: “Did you guys see that one lawyer, Joseph Klock [who was representing George W. Bush]? . . . He was so nervous, he kept getting the names of the justices wrong. He couldn’t remember their names! . . . He’s not only representing Bush, he is becoming Bush.” (Leno)

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