LAUGH LINES

Secret Ingredients: “In Virginia, a woman found a fried chicken head in her box of McDonald’s chicken wings. . . . Call me old-fashioned, but what ever happened to the good old days when people found cleaning fluids in their fast foods?” (Andrew Wisot)

Smells Like Trouble: “Metallica, the heavy-metal rock band, is suing Neiman Marcus stores to stop the sale of Metallica perfume. . . . They actually sell Metallica perfume? . . . Well, that makes about as much sense as a thesaurus that’s endorsed by George W. Bush.” (Jerry Perisho)

Escaping the Cold: “George W. Bush stayed in the governor’s mansion recently because it was too cold to go jogging. So he stayed in and worked. . . . If Republicans want to get anything done in the next four years, they’ll have to move the White House to Nome, Alaska.” (Argus Hamilton)

Peace and Quiet: “Campaign aides say that there is a quiet serenity about George W. Bush. Bush has a reassuring calmness. [He] admits he doesn’t read the paper every day, and his ranch doesn’t have a TV set. . . . That’s not serenity, that’s not calmness. I don’t think he has any idea what is going on.” (Jay Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.