LAUGH LINES

Playing Mind Games: A study says “women use their entire brain while they are listening, whereas men only use half their brain. Well, sure, men use half their brain because the other half is busy coming up with an excuse: ‘But, honey, you don’t understand . . .’ ” (Jay Leno)

Just Kidding: “Bette Midler says she was joking when she said her new TV show is the worst job she ever had. Meanwhile, the actor who plays her husband, Kevin Dunn, is leaving the show after 10 episodes. Even pretend marriages in Hollywood end quickly.” (Daily Scoop)

Top of the List: “TV Guide magazine named ‘Survivor’ as the top television event of the past year. . . . But enough about George W. Bush’s presidential election.” (Jerry Perisho)

Stripped of Rights: “Florida got a black eye in this [election] thing. They are paying the price. Did you hear the latest thing in Florida? . . . They are not going to be allowed to vote in the [upcoming] People’s Choice Awards. We can’t risk it.” (Leno)

The Essential David Letterman

Top Items on George W. Bush’s To-Do List

9. Put favorite holiday decoration on front lawn: Santa in electric chair.

7. Tell Madeleine Albright, “Bill don’t live here anymore--stop the 2 a.m. calls.”

6. Send Al Gore an FTD “Guess the Supreme Court Likes Me Better, Loser” bouquet.

3. Tell Al Gore to keep his schedule clear in case things don’t work out.

2. Call Saddam Hussein, listen to the panic when he hears we got another President Bush.

1. Thank Katherine Harris by sending her metric ton of mascara.

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