This Headline Got a Satisfactory Rating From Our Focus Groups
The Improv Column: We’re not going to lie to you. Most newspaper columns--including this one--are written weeks or even months in advance using topics and issues chosen by psychologists for maximum reader interest.
Rough drafts are then submitted to reader focus groups, whose reactions are carefully analyzed by marketing experts. If the test groups don’t like a column’s ending, a new one is written.
Even so-called family columns are heavily scripted because, frankly, nobody’s family is interesting or clever enough to write about on a regular basis. Instead, many family columnists follow story outlines written by David E. Kelley, who has plenty of time left over after penning every single episode of “Ally McBeal” and “The Practice.”
To protect factual integrity, the columns are first acted out by family members so that everything published is technically true. (If a family columnist has no actual family, actors are used.)
As you can imagine, such practices have robbed newspaper columns of their spontaneity. Gone are the days when a columnist would sit in front of a blank computer screen and come up with something profound on deadline, usually by making up quotes, plagiarizing or using single-word paragraphs, ostensibly for dramatic impact but really just to take up space.
Like.
This.
Sure, the results weren’t always perfect, but at least they were authentic. Here at Off-Kilter, we miss the good old days of column writing.
Very.
Much.
That’s why we’ve decided to try an improvisational column. In the same way that comedy troupes spontaneously create skits based on topics suggested by the audience, we will base today’s Off-Kilter solely on topics requested by readers.
To prove this is totally unrehearsed, we’ve asked one of our co-workers to reach into our mailbag 15 minutes before deadline and randomly pull out a letter.
OK, he’s now opening the letter and reading the request: “Dear Off-Kilter, your column is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever. . . .”
OK, he’s opening another letter. “Dear Off-Kilter: I adore your column, but how come you never write anything about former teen idol Leif Garrett, space-alien underwear, diseased plants and whale cardiovascular systems?”
Because no one ever asked. Here it is now--all 100% true:
21st Century Medicine: The University of Florida in Gainesville plans to offer a “doctor of plant medicine” degree. Sample prescription: “Take two fertilizer tablets and call me in the morning.”
Alarming Trends Bureau: Former teen idol Leif Garrett is recording a comeback album.
Random Facts Bureau: Memorize this information for your next appearance on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”:
* When astronaut Alan Shepard golfed on the moon, he used a six iron.
* The blood vessels of a blue whale are wide enough for a trout to swim through.
* Steven Spielberg’s kidney isn’t for sale on EBay. Yet.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Female Space Aliens Wear Padded Bras!” (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News, “Uncle John’s Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader.” E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
