In the New Phillennium, Lakers Glad to Celebrate

It’s not only that time again, it’s the mother of all New Years. With the 2000s stretching before us, we ask our usual cast of characters for their resolutions:

Phil Jackson--What, me worry?

Jerry West--Are you kidding me? Things are good. I resolve to stay on the job, at least until the end of the week.

Jerry Buss--Next time some guy in a bar tells me he can solve my power forward problem, I’m going to keep walking.

Shaquille O’Neal--I told you everything would be all right once we got rid of Del Harris. So I missed by a season.

Kobe Bryant--Let’s see, this season we win the first of our 10 titles and my dad boots Olimpico Milano in the Italian league and then I buy teams in Spain, Greece and Yugoslavia for my mom, sisters and their friends to run . . .

Glen Rice--Next time David Falk tells me to trust him, I’m going to punch him in the nose.

Stephon Marbury--Ditto.

David Falk--Don’t worry, I’ve got a lot more typically brilliant ideas. We’ll swap Stephon for Juwan Howard, and Mo Taylor for Alonzo Mourning and . . .

Gary Payton--I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, I’m a SuperSonic for life, or until they miss the playoffs the next time, or until they go out in the first round the next time, or . . .

Marv Albert--Don’t even ask.

Scottie Pippen--Next time Charles Barkley tells me he’s going to get serious this season, I’m going to keep walking.

Charles Barkley--I’m going to find a job where a big mouth and a fat butt isn’t a problem. Television, here I come!

Jerry Reinsdorf--Next time Jerry Krause tells me it’s time to rebuild, I’m going to punch him in the nose.

Tim Floyd--Ditto.

Jerry Krause--Chill out, will you? I keep telling you we’re right on schedule. And get out of my face with your !@#$%^&* resolutions, you press slime!

Toni Kukoc--I resolve to become the first player to spend an entire season on the injured list because of back spasms.

Shawn Kemp--I’ve heard it’s unwise to lose too much weight too quickly. Pass the M&Ms.;

Oliver Miller--Can’t, I need all these.

Kevin McHale--I don’t care if he is a Laker, the next time West calls to offer two players for one of my outbound free agents, I’ll have my secretary put him through.

Latrell Sprewell--Sure, I’m a team player, I’ll throw Patrick Ewing the ball. About as often as I did to Chris Dudley.

Patrick Ewing--I’m going somewhere they want me. I’ve got a lot of good basketball left in me, don’t you think? Riles? Anybody?

Pat Riley--Of course, Patrick. I’ve always respected your commitment and integrity. Think you could handle a $14-million pay cut and come off the bench, behind Zo?

Jeff Van Gundy--I know there must be an easier job out there, like defusing bombs or Secretary General of the UN.

Tim Duncan--I’m staying because this is a great bunch of guys to play with. Hey, David Robinson, you forgot your walker!

Grant Hill--I’m staying because this is a great bunch of guys to play with. OK, next time we come across Shaq, I’ll grab his ankle and Jerry Stackhouse, you grab his other ankle and Lindsey Hunter, you bite his knee.

Eldridge Recasner--Next time Derrick Coleman says he’s the designated driver, I’ll say, ‘I think I’ll take a cab, even if they’re charging $100 a mile.’ ”

Bison Dele--I’ll be back as soon as I get my head straightened out. Figure about 2010.

Don Nelson--I just need a little more time to get this thing turned around. Figure about 2020. In the meantime, I just heard there’s a 6-10 sixth grader in Ulan Bator.

Lamar Odom--Next time I leave college for the NBA, I’m going to make sure I wind up in the NBA.

Mo Taylor, Derek Anderson, Michael Olowokandi, Brian Skinner, et al--Us, too!

Donald T. Sterling--Why are you always after me for resolutions? Is there something you think I’m doing wrong?

Ahmad Rashad--I keep hearing ugly whispers now that our ratings are off, but they can’t do without me, can they, Mike? Mike?

Michael Jordan--What, me worry?

Dick Ebersol--I lost the NFL and now NBA ratings are off. It’s going to be all r-r-right, isn’t it?

David Stern--Chill out, will you? I keep telling you, we’re right on schedule. How about hiring Charles to work with Marv? I don’t know how they’ll do on the air, but they’ll be hell at the Christmas party.

NOT GOLDEN

P.J. Carlesimo was another of those post-NCAA knuckleheads who couldn’t understand you can’t scream at pros with multi-year contracts as if they’re college kids whose scholarships you can revoke. However, the Warriors were messed up before he came and will remain, now that he’s gone. Nelson made the original error, letting Chris Webber get away, but that was five years ago. Clueless owner Chris Cohan--not Carlesimo, Rick Adelman or the next victim, Garry St. Jean--is responsible for the lack of direction since.

Not that the Warrior players didn’t celebrate Carlesimo’s departure. “Sprewell just kind of beat us to the punch,” Donyell Marshall said. “It could have been me, it could have been Adonal Foyle. It could have been any one of us. P.J. was over the top. I wouldn’t have choked him, but there would have been an argument. Something was going to happen.”

Said former Warrior Felton Spencer: “P.J. doesn’t have a good enough blend of his off-the-court personality with his on-the-court personality. Off the court he’s a great guy, laughing and talking with guys like a normal person. But on the court he’s another person, like he has a double personality.”

One thing Carlesimo does have, however, is 2 1/2 seasons left on his five-year, $15-million contract, so it goes down as something less than a tragedy.

FACES AND FIGURES

Underdogs again: The Trail Blazers are only 2 1/2 games behind, but Coach Mike Dunleavy concedes the Lakers are the best team in the league now. Said Damon Stoudamire: “I’m scared of the Lakers. They’re a load. Phil Jackson has been coaching there only two months and they’re playing the way they’re playing. That man doesn’t even get off the bench anymore.” . . . Phoenix’s Penny Hardaway on former teammate O’Neal: “His work ethic has changed a lot. I can tell. He never really worked on his game that hard. He didn’t have to because he was so much more talented than everybody else. He has much more movement. His arsenal is unbelievable.”. . . Guys? Guys?: The SuperSonics’ spinout prompted nice-guy coach Paul Westphal to confront Vin Baker, whose play has been even softer than usual lately, bench Ruben Patterson and tell slumping Vernon Maxwell he’d have to sit out to rest his sore knee. In response, all three players walked out of a shootaround.

Where can I sign up?: The Mavericks’ John “Hot Rod” Williams, 37, who missed half of last season and hasn’t played in this one because of a back injury, says he’s considering retirement. He still has one season left on the three-year, $5.25-million contract Nelson gave him. Considering? . . . By way of an application for one of the last two spots on the Dream Team, which Rudy Tomjanovich will coach, Vince Carter dropped 35 points on the Rockets last week. Then he went up to Tomjanovich and shook his hand. . . . Long memories: Rusty LaRue, who agonized publicly over leaving the CBA’s Idaho Stampede for the Bulls, played three games, averaging 9.3 points in 32 minutes, was praised by Floyd--and then cut when the team signed Khalid Reeves. . . . Minnesota Coach Flip Saunders on the triangle offense: “A lot depends on the personnel. The Lakers are running it and they’re pretty good. Chicago’s also running it. Now they’re pretty bad.”