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Title: “Toss”

Author: Boomer Esiason

Price: $7.50

I was taught that if you can’t say anything nice about something, don’t say anything. With that in mind, here are some facts on the first “novel” written by former NFL quarterback Esiason.

* It makes a handy paperweight.

* If you are reclining, the paperback version makes for a decent cushion.

* Teaching a child to count? Each page is conveniently numbered, so you can save money on those flash cards.

“Toss” focuses on pro football, namely rising star Derek Brody and his drug-ridden new team, the New York Stars, with whom he has signed a $12-million contract. His agent, Mike Scanlon, worries that Derek, who has a facial scar from a car accident, may not make a good impression with the press and thus jeopardize his endorsement contracts.

But Derek has greater worries: The press is down on him because he was convicted of vehicular manslaughter after letting his drunken father die in a car crash. His signing has cost Reggie Thompson, leading receiver in the twilight of his career, a million-dollar pay increase. When ex-NFL player Eric Smith and a pizza delivery boy are murdered after a visit from Brody, he falls under suspicion, as he does when a dead prostitute, hidden in a locker, is discovered.

That all sounds somewhat interesting, but Esiason (with the help of co-writer Lowell Cauffiel) bungles the job. The characters all seem the same, the situations aren’t believable, and you come away wishing you could have the last few hours of your life back.

Philosophers have wondered how many years it would take 1,000 monkeys at 1,000 typewriters to write the works of Shakespeare. For Esiason’s book?

Two days, one monkey.