Bad Road Mate? Fasten Your Seat Belts --It’s Going to Be a Bumpy Ride

Traveling with a friend sounds marvelous. But I rarely do it, partly out of fear about what would happen if we quarreled. Close friends get over bad times, I know. And there are good reasons for traveling with a companion: togetherness, economy, safety and comfort, as Thalia Zepatos notes in “A Journey of One’s Own: Uncommon Advice for the Independent Woman Traveler” (Eighth Mountain Press, $16.95).

Zepatos says there are flawed reasons for seeking a travel partner as well, chiefly the fear of going alone and the desire to please someone else. So it’s wise to do some soul-searching before taking a trip and to choose a travel partner carefully. “The two of you may want to go all the same places, but there’s much more to it than that,” Zepatos says.

A woman I know once went to Mexico with a cousin who had never traveled abroad and spoke no Spanish. When anything went wrong (and something always does), her cousin made it clear that she thought it was my friend’s fault, which took much of the joy out of the trip.

Alicia Dunams of San Francisco went to Costa Rica with a friend several years ago without realizing that the woman monopolized every conversation. “She wouldn’t let me talk,” says Dunams, who suppressed her resentment until they reached San Jose at the end of the trip. “We had a big fight in front of a bank, with everybody watching,” she recalls.

Spending a week in Ireland with three women friends almost drove a colleague of mine nuts. She says that little things about each of them got on her nerves. But she couldn’t get away because they were touring by car and staying in bed-and-breakfast inns.

Even for compatible people, traveling can be stressful, posing challenges that intensify good and bad traits. Potential trouble spots include driving and navigation, sharing hotel rooms (and bathrooms), handling money and the disruption of routines. I get cranky if I go too long without eating or am forced to wait around to start my day while someone sleeps in. And I bet I wouldn’t be sweet about it if a traveling companion met a man and went off with him.

Different traveling styles also can be problematic. Some people make lists and go by the guidebook; others like to get to a place and see what happens. I’m a planner, but that doesn’t mean I’d be better off traveling with another planner because then we’d have to decide whose plan to follow. On the other hand, Martha Lindt and Carol Rivendell, founders of Wild Woman Adventures, a Northern California tour company for women, have a grand time on the road together because both love to hang loose. Several years ago, on a train in France, Rivendell discovered that she had left her passport and money in a hotel room, which meant they could not catch a plane to Brussels as planned. But Lindt was gleeful, not angry. “Oh, my God,” she said. “We don’t know what the rest of the day is going to be like!”

Rivendell says that traveling is about losing control. Still, travel partners must be willing to say what they want, which isn’t easy for women who have been raised to value cooperation and agreement, says Debra Borys, a clinical psychologist in Westwood.

“Bringing up concerns and realizing that it’s all right to go your separate ways if your agenda differs can be hard for women,” Borys says.

Here are a few tips from psychologists and travel pros to help travel partners avoid resentment and blowups.

* Agree to spend some time apart. Make that need clear from the beginning so that feelings don’t get hurt.

* Be careful and clearheaded when choosing a travel partner. Make sure your traveling styles and personal habits are compatible. Author Zepatos advises travel mates to take a weekend together before heading off on a long trip to make sure they get along.

* Talk out the specifics, especially how much you want to spend on food and accommodations, and how you’ll divide expenses. Most successful travel partners settle as they go. Keeping track of who pays for what can get tedious, and assuming everything will even out in the end rarely works.

* Acknowledge before you go that some tensions will occur and vow to discuss them instead of holding them in. Borys suggests using “I statements,” a technique in psychology, when talking out problems. For instance, “I’m having a hard time dealing with your negativity” might get a better result than “All you do is complain.”

* Face the fact that sharing a hotel room may strain your relationship. Share a room in pricey hotels, but take separate quarters in inexpensive places. If you’re on a tour and have been assigned a roommate you abhor, save your vacation by springing for a single.

* Don’t head off on a trip expecting to change the dynamics of a troubled friendship. “You need to admit the role you play in a relationship,” Rivendell says, “and realize you’re going to play it even more than usual on the road.”

* Consider leaving your nearest and dearest at home when you’re on the road. In “A Moveable Feast,” Ernest Hemingway wrote, “Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.” Rivendell, on the other hand, generally advises travelers to “leave loved ones behind,” not simply to avoid fights but to get as much as you can from the travel experience. Hemingway was widely traveled but no expert on interpersonal relationships, so I’d listen to Rivendell.