ESPN’s Expert Analysis Is Sidesplitting

Is Michael Vick the Michael Jordan of quarterbacks?

Did the San Diego Chargers just become the 1984 Portland Trail Blazers?

Is LaDainian Tomlinson the new Sam Bowie?

Or is he the new Hakeem Olajuwon?

And if he is, does that make Drew Brees the new Charles Barkley?

If you had the choice, would you rather have Jordan, by himself, or both Olajuwon and Barkley?

If this is the NFL draft, why are we talking about basketball?

To trot out one pun that somehow eluded Chris Berman and the rest of ESPN’s massive draft coverage team, the Atlanta Falcons jumped through hoops to secure the right to draft Virginia Tech quarterback Vick, who, depending on who’s doing the talking, is either the best athlete to ever play his position or not a sure thing.

Or both, if Mel Kiper Jr. is doing the talking.

After Atlanta traded three draft picks, including this year’s first, and wide receiver Tim Dwight to San Diego for the right to make Vick the No. 1 choice in the draft, Berman tossed up this, ahem, jump ball:

“Is he not a 12-year star in this league, once he gets the hang of it?”

Well, Kiper replied, “that’s not a given, Chris. You look at Michael Vick--the best athlete probably to ever play the quarterback position at any level. He’s that gifted. He runs that 4.3, a 40-inch vertical jump . . .”

Flash to footage of Vick throwing deep against Florida State in the 2000 Sugar Bowl, the game that made a career and scrambled a football draft.

“You see the arm strength and the loft on those passes down the field,” Kiper continued.

Hmm. Yes. Quite impressive.

What in the world were the Chargers thinking?

Kiper: “See [how] he stands upright. He needs to tweak those mechanics. He needs a lot of work. . . . If he’s so good, why did nobody but Atlanta try to trade up to get him?”

Hmm. Yes. Good point.

What in the world were the Falcons thinking?

Sybil never played in the NFL, but she certainly could have analyzed the draft for ESPN. End-around revisionism and split personalities are welcome here, which might explain why the network employs a full starting 11, plus a few special teamers, to examine why each club picked who they did when they did.

On site under the lights at Madison Square Garden was the full-service quartet of Berman, Kiper, Joe Theismann and Chris Mortensen, each playing their defined roles. Kiper starts on offense, attacking every pick that doesn’t jibe with his best-on-board list. Theismann plays defense, the best friend an over-valued player and an under-pressure general manager ever had. Berman referees between the two. Mortensen usually agrees with Theismann.

They are there to fill dead air between picks, and you would think those four would be more than enough, but there are 15 minutes between selections in the first round, 10 in the second round. So, periodically, they throw it back to the studio in Bristol, where Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski, Mike Golic, Hank Goldberg and Sean Salisbury sit and talk because they apparently ran out of chairs for Dick Vitale, Dan Patrick, the janitor and the pizza guy.

Back in New York, Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit man the interview area for a few final words on the graduating juniors and sophomores they studied last fall. That’s 11. And that doesn’t count the field reporters dispatched to draft headquarters around the league. Or the recently dismissed player personnel directors enlisted to second-guess the picks they are no longer employed to make.

Billy Devaney, who had nothing to do with the Vick deal because the Chargers moved him out after last season, said his former team “did about the best they could. They were in a difficult situation. If they were not sold on Michael Vick being the championship guy, the guy to take him to the Super Bowl, then the logical thing is, OK, let’s move out of there. There weren’t a whole lot of people, as we know, looking to jump up there to take that pick. And when it came down to Atlanta being the only team, you almost had to take what (the Chargers) were offered.”

A few minutes later, Devaney did the unthinkable, rendering the set speechless, when he assessed the Denver Broncos’ off-season maneuvers.

“I have one big problem with what they’ve done in the off-season, and I hope it doesn’t negate everything,” Devaney said. “I am not a Chester McGlockton fan. I think he has the capability of negating all the good that they’ve done. And it even bothers me that they’re going to be playing in a spanking new stadium and Chester gets to spoil it from Day One.”

Silence.

That was one loose ball no one wanted to touch.

“Well,” Berman finally responded, trying to scramble to safety, “they’re hoping that with [new defensive coordinator] Ray Rhodes, they’ve gathered the right mix.”

Cut to commercial and, ah, let’s bring on Jim Haslett to talk about the Saints’ first pick, shall we?

That’s the payoff to spending a beautiful Saturday morning and afternoon indoors watching scrolling tickers and disappearing blue-chippers flash before your weary eyes. Hang in with the draft long enough and sooner or later, you will hear something you never expected.

Such as this from the ordinarily league-friendly Berman: “And now we come to a team that we always come to in the first hour of the draft--the Cincinnati Bengals. Seven times in the last 10 years, the Bengals have had a pick in the first six. Sooner or later, they’re going to bust loose . . . [or] they could trade. But I don’t think they really know how.”

Stay tuned long enough and you might even see the Chargers rally and climb out of their self-induced ditch, catching a break when TCU’s Tomlinson, the best running back available, is still around after moving down to Atlanta’s first-round slot at No. 5 . . . and then lucking into Purdue’s Drew Brees, the second-best quarterback available, with their next pick at No. 32.

Suddenly, the team that gave up on Vick is left sitting with Tomlinson and Brees, the third- and fourth-place finishers in last season’s Heisman voting.

“A huge, huge gift for the San Diego Chargers!” Berman exclaimed. “Twenty-four hours ago, they were fools. Now, they’re geniuses.”

That’s the thing about the NFL draft. If you brick a trade or clank an early pick, there always a chance to rebound later.

And while we’re on the subject . . .

If Michael Vick is the Michael Jordan of the NFL, does that make Doug Flutie Muggsy Bogues?