With All These Homers, Time for Brushback Pitch

“Gimme some of that! Gimme some of that!” shouts the man with the microphone as he high-fives two other men with microphones.

“Talk about the fact that you hit that free throw after the technical!” the woman with the microphone gushes as she talks with the very tall basketball player. “That’s pretty cool, huh?”

“Big win, my friend!” another locker room reporter tells another victorious athlete. “Go get ‘em on Saturday!”

Where in the world are we?

Cow Town USA? Sacramento?

(OK, I know: That’s two names for the same place.)

Watching the public-access cable feed from a community-college broadcasting class in Oklahoma? If only.

Sorry, Los Angeles, this is the sound of local television professionals--supposedly sophisticated “journalists,” at least according to job description--melting down in the face of a five-game winning streak by the Kings and 11 victories in a row by the Lakers.

Granted, these are unusual times in L.A. The Kings, who went eight years between postseason victories, now find themselves in the Western Conference semifinals, tied at 1-1 with the winningest team in the league, after taking out the Detroit Red Wings in the first round. The Lakers, written off as too dysfunctional to even dream about repeating, look like the Michael Jordan Tabernacle Choir when compared to the Portland Trail Blazers, who self-destructed in the first round of the playoffs.

Winnin’ time has returned, at least for a brief stayover. In a Southland sports scene cluttered by Clippers and Angels and Mighty Dreadful Ducks, a little postseason success is a welcome tonic for a town that hasn’t seen a baseball playoff victory since 1988.

But, people, can we get a grip?

This town still has Gary Sheffield, Troy Glaus and Shawn Green. In other words: We see enough homers on a regular basis.

We don’t need any more leading cheers in front of the Fox Southern California Sports Report cameras.

“Look out Colorado!” Fox locker room reporter Barry LeBrock exclaimed after the Kings dispatched Detroit in Game 6 of the first round. “We’re coming after you next!”

“Oh yeah, baby!” Fox analyst Gaard Swanson had to concur a few moments later. “Bring on those Avs!”

In the Kings’ dressing room, Bill Macdonald is a serial nickname dropper. “Lappy!” he yells at a flinching Ian Laperriere. “You did it in style! . . . Blakey’s coming back!”

At this point, Macdonald is still in restrained mode. Soon, he is wrapping his left arm tightly around Laperriere and mugging into the camera: “Let me tell you something about this guy! He LOVES playoff hockey! Because it’s GRITTY! And it’s HARD! . . . Right?”

At this point, Laperriere probably will say anything to get Macdonald from clamping off the circulation in his left shoulder, so heobliges.

“That’s playoff hockey!” Lappy happily agrees.

“HONK IF YOU LOVE THE LOCAL TEAM” must be the marching orders at the Fox Sports West office. Everyone the camera lights upon is honking up a storm.

LeBrock to Glen Murray: “Congrats! And let’s keep it going!”

John Fricke, upstairs alongside Swanson, noting all the first-round hockey upsets: “Pittsburgh won--that was an upset in terms of seeding. You have us, certainly. And you have Ottawa, which got blown out by Toronto.”

Swanson, looking to the next round and top-seeded Colorado: “I don’t like the re-seed. You get the Kings knocking off the Wings, it’s a huge bonus for them. But I’m telling you--I think they get penalized for beating Detroit.”

Actually, no. Actually, the Kings penalized themselves during the regular season, only winning enough games to be seeded seventh in the conference.

Thursday night, with the Kings winning Game 1 at Colorado, and the Lakers winning Game 2 at home, the Fox gang is back at Staples Center. Swanson was so pumped about the proceedings that he proceeds to high-five Fricke and analyst Kurt Rambis, who, frankly, looks a little stunned.

Fricke enthuses about “the double we had tonight with the Kings and the Lakers as we win-win!”

Thankfully, the big-leaguers moved in for weekend coverage: ABC had Kings-Avalanche on Saturday, NBC had Lakers-Blazers on Sunday. This is how it’s done: Objective reportage, analysis that is critical of the home team when warranted, no high-fives except in the stands.

Do you think viewers in Portland were delighted to hear Marv Albert and Doug Collins strafe the home side in the waning moments of Sunday’s series-ender?

Albert: “The lasting image of this ballclub will encompass snarling and bickering, a technical-foul festival brought on by themselves, and a group of underachieving athletes.”

Collins: “I think a lot of it was in denial early in the season. Whether or not the team did not address it or whatever, I think the enabling of this team for such a long period of time, it got gripped in a spiral going down and they couldn’t stop it.”

Of course, Albert and Collins are national guys. They work for the network, not the local affiliate. But when Albert signed off and Channel 4 picked up the postgame coverage, Fred Roggin demonstrated that it is possible to conduct an interview with a winning hometown player without hugging him, asking him pertinent questions instead of sidling up to him with wow-you-were-awesome nonsense.

Tonight, the Kings return home for Game 3 against the Avalanche. It ought to go without saying, but it has been a long time since the Kings hosted a game of such import, memories are foggy, so let’s get remedial for a moment and turn to Page One, Sentence One of the sportswriters and broadcasters starter manual:

No cheering in the press box.