LAUGH LINES

Pleading Clueless: “I don’t think that President George W. Bush will ever be impeached, because unlike Clinton, Reagan or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. . . . [After all,] if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn’t you believe him?” (Jay Leno)

Just Beat It: “The Italian High Court has ruled that a pat on the rump is not sexual harassment, unless the male makes it a habit. If it were sexual harassment, the nature of football would be changed forever!” (Daily Scoop)

Office Cutbacks: “The Bush administration may abolish some special White House offices created by Clinton. . . . One of them is the White House office of Women’s Initiatives and Outreach. Let’s just say it’s caused enough trouble.” (Argus Hamilton)

Husband Material: “A Seattle man is Redbook magazine’s husband of the year. Nick Musser’s wife of 2 1/2 years nominated him for the honor because of his devotion to her in the face of her [multiple sclerosis]. Husband of the year: That’s one award nomination Bryant Gumbel will never have to lose sleep over.” (Mark Wheeler)

Those Who Lose, Teach: “Our long national nightmare is finally over: Al Gore finally found a job. He has taken a job as professor of journalism at Columbia University. Boy, you thought kids were sleeping in class before! . . . He’s going to be a visiting professor, which means he will work about three weeks per year. . . . So it’s the same schedule he had as vice president.” (Leno)

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