Pardon Me as I Pardon You

After 20 years of devoted service, I plan to step down as soon as I can as an employee of the Canadian federal civil service. But before I do, I’d like to exercise a little known prerogative of retiring Canadian government workers: the pardon.

In my final magnanimous gesture, I would like to pardon the following people:

1) The guy who hit my car leaving $900 in damage and no note!

2) The woman who cut me off last week just before running a red light. (You know who you are!)

3) The telemarketer who called at 10 o’clock at night to ask me to switch long distance carriers.

4) The young waitress who gave me three cups of regular coffee after dinner when I specifically asked for decaf.

5) The petty bureaucrat who refused to reclassify my position notwithstanding mountains of evidence. (It’s not too late, Peter!)

6) The salesperson who gave my 5-year-old daughter Sarah the non-washable color markers.

7) The cable installer who showed up at 7 p.m. after he said he’d be there between 9 and 10 a.m.

8) My boss, who dumped an urgent file on my desk at 5 p.m. Friday and said, “Have a nice weekend.”

9) The used car salesman who sold me the 1993 Honda Civic just before the head gasket blew.

10) The guy down the street who mows his lawn at 6 a.m. on Sunday morning.

11) The woman in the six-items-or-less checkout line who had 27 items! (I counted!).

There. Now go about your business free of my curses. Just don’t cross me again.