Making it past the first 365 days
WARNING: The following L.A. love story has a happy ending.
Oh, stop groaning, you ultra-jaded, Silver Lake-living, Gelson’s-shopping, “I’d rather spend my time searching for gourmet cheeses than go on one more date” hipster. Not so long ago, I was one of you. Yes, I spent plenty of nights crying into my cherry cobbler at one bohemian SL cafe or another -- although I must confess I left the quite happening 90039 late last century for the quaint, tree-lined and much easier to park in 91030 (look it up; you just might like it).
And like you, I whined endlessly about botched Internet dates, inane personal ads, lonely Christmases, feeling “unlovable” and boo-hoo-hoo. But one day last May, I met my one true honest soulmate. And by “one true honest soulmate,” I mean we haven’t broken up yet.
And now we’re coming up on the Big 1-2. Twelve months. Or as it’s known in L.A., a lifetime. Can this really happen?
We’ve certainly had some nerve-jangling close calls. Through it all, I’ve learned breaking up’s not very hard to do at all. It’s actually quite easy -- especially with someone you just met. First of all, there’s no trust. No time to build up any goodwill to cushion the early crises. How can you put a new person’s (bad) behavior in perspective?
Next, the lack of history means little to no pain when you end it. Consider: You haven’t met her friends. She doesn’t know your parents. Her picture’s not on your cellphone. (Well, at least you haven’t promoted it to “main wallpaper.”) Too few memories to trigger a decent depression.
So how do you keep a blossoming romance together in a town where couples split over contrasting titles in their Netflix queues? I propose a mandatory 60-day probation period during which neither person has any right making any assumptions about anything.
Here’s an early-relationship survival guide to help you avoid a quick crash landing.
Put him/her first
Throttle your desire to get your way every time. Just for kicks, see what happens when you let her take the early “needy” lead. If she’s the right person, she’ll appreciate it and soon reciprocate. You have to find the right balance. Otherwise, you’ll soon go the way of Tom and Nicole. And Tom and Penelope. And Tom and Mimi. OK, those are bad examples.
Don’t ‘cling’
A date or three does not a relationship make. This is not the time to start penciling her in for every Friday and Saturday night between now and the 2008 Summer Olympics. Believe it or not, she had an actual life before you and your white horse came calling. Trying too hard, too fast, tops the list of early romance killers, followed closely by hitting on her mom.
Accentuate the
positive
Something attracted you to this person, so don’t forget about it. We tend to seek out and magnify the negative traits in others, much like school bullies, abusive parents and Bill O’Reilly.
Stay in touch with
your friends
You know, the people who truly mean something in your life, so they’ll be around when your new girlfriend or boyfriend turns up on one of those “Dateline” episodes. (The ones with a hidden camera and the creepy Stone Phillips voice-over.)
Eight more days. Why do I still have the nagging feeling that it could end at any minute? I should take her somewhere nice this weekend.
That is -- if she’s free.
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Howard Leff may be reached at weekend@latimes.com.
