Staying cool when sports heat up
Q: My boyfriend of three years seems more committed to basketball than he is to me. He spends most of his free time watching games, and I can forget about seeing him during the season -- the team is like a second girlfriend. He tried to explain the game to me, but it just doesn’t make sense and is boring. I love to cook and he hardly shows any interest in that anymore. I’m really starting to pull away and question his commitment to me. What should I do?
AMANDANew York, N.Y.
A: Your boyfriend should have interests in addition to you but -- unless you’re miserable to be around -- you shouldn’t have to compete with the team. His romance with basketball has become unhealthy, distracting from the core of your relationship. As a result, you construe his behavior as the emotional equivalent to “he doesn’t care about me.” Other than pulling away, have you directly communicated your concern over his divided commitment? If not, do so, because your withdrawal from him may be misinterpreted.
Then, attempt to reacquaint yourselves with the core of the relationship by identifying what’s most important for it to flourish (e.g., mutual respect, understanding, interests, and passion). Part of what makes for a healthy bond is when both people’s needs are met -- intellectually, emotionally, and physically -- in a mutually satisfying way. If you don’t get these essential needs met, you’ll find yourself increasingly dissatisfied and caught up in the monotony of an unhappy relationship.
From a practical standpoint, agree on a reasonable and acceptable amount of time for him to spend with sports. It’s important that this time satisfy his need to enjoy his hobby, while not interfering with your need to spend time with him.
Perhaps you can use this time to pursue your own interests. His passion suggests he’s capable of devotion, commitment and loyalty, so transfer these positive qualities to activities you can both enjoy, such as taking a class. Creatively blending your passion for cooking with his for game-watching may prove fruitful as you host a basketball-potluck dinner with his buddies’ significant others.
Set aside a “date night” in which you participate in a non-sports-related activity that you can enjoy together, such as dinner and a movie. By dedicating this time solely to the activity, you can help to bring back some of the fun that you had at the beginning of the relationship.
Finally, attending a live game may provide a stimulating departure from trying to learn the rules in front of the television and will let you share something that’s important to him. Watching in person will afford you the opportunity to capture the energy of the crowds and excitement of the game that just aren’t found at home.
In On the Mind, Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist in New York, answers questions about healthy mental living. Send questions to health@latimes.com.
