A weekend on Planet B

Marilyn Monroe once described Hollywood as “a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul,” but what was one to make of the recent Friday morning scene at the Burbank Airport Marriott?

Everybody who was somebody in this town was schlepping Sharpie pens, 8-by-10 glossies and boxes of memorabilia into the ballroom for two days of low-grade celebrity adulation and commerce. It was the Hollywood Collectors & Celebrities Show, produced as it is four times a year by Florida-based promoters Ray and Sharon Courts, and it unfolded far from the recent A-list headlines touting a bald Britney, a deceased Anna Nicole and the ever-dismissible Paris Hilton.

The scene was the flip side of L.A.’s celebrity phantasm--an event where the stars didn’t burn as bright, but were eminently more approachable and accommodating. It was a place where Jose Jimenez, Gloria Stivic and Joanie Cunningham all seemed happy to see you, where recognizable faces from “All in the Family,” “The Partridge Family,” “Batman” and “Happy Days” still endured in this age of reality TV and 15-minute “stars.”

The show, now in its 17th year, takes place in Southern California for the simple reason that most of the event’s main attractions still live here among us. Some exist in obscurity, many are still working, but they all like the idea of making some cold, hard cash for a weekend of easygoing meet-and-greets.

And why not? Many of them found fame without the fortune in those pre-syndication days, long before Charlie Sheen could command $350,000 per episode on a show as forgettable as “Two and a Half Men.” But just like retired baseball greats who sign autographs for cash while utility infielders today make millions, there’s a price to pay for being a pioneer. Timing is everything, especially in Hollywood.

From the moment fans started filing in, this is clearly about making money. It is old school, cash box on the table, sure-we-can-break-a-hundred action. Most stars bring a helper to make change and take orders. Signs clearly spell out the deals, like specials on a deli blackboard: Pee Wee Herman (actor Paul Reubens) autographed photo: $30. Your item signed: $30. Your premium item (i.e. collectible figurine) signed: $40. Digital photo of you and Pee Wee: $40. The gathered stars pay the Courts nothing. Vendors pay for booth space, but for celebrities the day is 100% profit (an attractive selling point for enticing bigger names).

Professional dealers come to collect autographs, but fans outnumber them by about 4 to 1. It’s easy to spot the difference. Fans gush and recount favorite memories, while dealers dourly instruct the celebrity on where and how they want the signature. “Lower corner, black Sharpie, just your name, no other inscription.” Forget Kodak moments. These have EBay written all over them.

Undaunted, Sally Struthers beams as she greets a legion of admirers. A woman nearly faints at the thrill of meeting Bill Dana. There’s Kookie from “77 Sunset Strip” (Edd Byrnes). Chris--the second Chris--from “The Partridge Family” (Brian Forster)! Edie Adams! Julie Newmar! Several fringe players from the “Our Gang” series!

Fans pour in throughout the day, and everyone seems to be having fun. Familiar faces greet you every few steps--there’s Patty Duke’s dad! And Karen Lynn Gorney, the tough-talking Stephanie Mangano from “Saturday Night Fever”! And is that the guy who played the pilot on that great episode of “The Twilight Zone” where they go back in time and find dinosaurs? The whole event has a certain Twilight Zone feel to it, with Tonya Harding next to Jane Russell next to Squiggy.

One recent twist in the memorabilia-hawking business: selling a deceased star’s belongings. At the Burbank event, two tables are dedicated to that peculiar enterprise, one representing the recently departed Yvonne De Carlo (Lily from “The Munsters”) and the other hawking post-mortem memorabilia from Don Adams (Maxwell Smart from “Get Smart”). Both tables, maintained by associates of the two stars, seem like sad islands in the sea of revelry. Mr. Adams’ golf shoes sit forlornly on a table along with a few of his other personal effects. (Had one of them been Maxwell Smart’s famous shoe phone, perhaps there might have been more aggressive buyers.) De Carlo’s belongings hark back to her days as a sultry star, along with the requisite “Munsters” pieces.

From the celebrity perspective, it’s not an event for the faint of heart. As fans queue up around the tables of the bigger names, lesser-knowns sit hopefully, smiling politely, rearranging their stacks of photos, chatting among themselves. Some fans avert their eyes as they might to avoid eye contact with panhandlers. Others take advantage of the lack of interest, approaching the quieter tables so they can chat longer without feeling pressure to keep the line moving.

And what’s this? Famed British musicians Denny Laine and Spencer Davis? They seem a tad out of place among the actors, but word spreads quickly and fans of the bands Wings, the Moody Blues and the Spencer Davis Group eventually seek them out. (Will someone will ever put together a rock ‘n’ roll-style event on this scale? It seems like a natural.)

Save for a minor dust-up when Adam West’s manager objects to a Times photographer snapping pictures, egos seem to play little part at this event. (West’s manager, along with Burt Ward’s, claims the former dynamic duo from the TV series “Batman” are “not doing any media” this particular day. The thought arises that if you’re not doing media on a day like this, when are you doing it?)

Paul Reubens has the longest line of the day, proof that his resurrection from his much-publicized 1991 fall from grace is complete. The line pours out of the ballroom and spills into the lobby. Low-key and polite, Reubens is gracious to everyone he meets. And he’s a strong cash generator too. Of the hundreds of people in his line, they all seem to be spending $70 to $100.

As the sun sets in this dim little corner of the celebrity universe, the stars pack up their pens, pictures and memorabilia after a long day. They’ll be back at it again tomorrow, signing, smiling and listening as their fans confess and profess their love. One assumes that most of these familiar faces would rather not have to be here, trading celebrity for cash. But as they learned years ago, this is show business, and work is work.

*

Notes from Planet B

BILL DANA Celebrity with the most appearances on the “Ed Sullivan Show”

NASTASSJA KINSKI Celebrity who spoke the least

TONYA HARDING Celebrity with the most defined abs

DAVID BARCLAY Celebrity least recognizable out of costume (“Jabba the Hutt”)

JULIE NEWMAR (“Catwoman) Celebrity who got the most double takes from fans

SALLY STRUTHERS Celebrity who smiled the most

ADAM WEST Most expensive autograph, $40

--C.E.