Military spouses are swept up in an endless cycle of adjustment

SAN DIEGO -- As Heather McKay watched her husband, Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Derek McKay, set sail for six months Monday aboard the transport ship Cleveland, she summed up the challenge of the modern military spouse.

“Last time when he got home from deployment, I’d gotten all independent and he said, ‘Hey, you’re not letting me make the decisions,’ ” said McKay, 24. “He’s been home a while and I’ve gotten clingy again. But now he’s leaving and it starts all over again.”

If one word describes the life of military families since the war on terror was declared, it’s adjustment.

It’s an emotional and psychological adjustment for the family when a Marine or sailor deploys, and another emotional and psychological adjustment when he or she returns. Sometimes, in the up-tempo deployment schedule, it seems there’s barely time to get adjusted to one phase when another one begins.

And while it may seem counterintuitive to civilians, many military spouses say the homecoming phase can be the most difficult of all. With that in mind, the military provides “return and reunion” briefings to both the stay-behind and deployed spouses.

“When they come back, it’s like starting your marriage all over again,” said Brittney Moore, 35, whose husband, Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Robert Moore, left on the transport ship Germantown for his fourth deployment.

McKay and Moore were among hundreds of family members at the pier at the 32nd Street Naval Station as the Tarawa Expeditionary Strike Group left for a six-month deployment in the Western Pacific, Indian Ocean and, if ordered, the Persian Gulf. Three San Diego ships will join two from Pearl Harbor and one from Everett, Wash. -- 5,000 sailors and Marines in all.

If the tears shed Monday morning were ones of anxiety and sadness, those shed by military family members Sunday night at Camp Pendleton were ones of happiness and relief as 300 Marines and sailors of the “Gunfighter” helicopter squadron returned after seven months in Iraq.

As they waited for the buses bringing Marines from their chartered flight to Marine Corps Air Station Miramar, spouses talked of the joys and pitfalls of homecomings.

Michelle Rindfleisch, 23, whose husband, Marine Sgt. Benjamin Rindfleisch, was finishing his second tour in Iraq, told spouses whose loved-ones are returning after a first tour to take things slowly.

“Don’t ask, ‘What happened over there?’ Don’t try to push. Let him absorb things slowly, and talk if he wants,” she said.

Before they left Iraq, the Marines were counseled that their spouses have, by necessity, become more independent and less likely to accede to their partner.

“When he comes home, he’s going to have to realize that his wife is older and different than when he left,” said Stacy Mergen, 26, whose husband, Marine Sgt. Christopher Mergen, is finishing his third tour. “And she’s going to have to realize that he may have changed. Don’t throw the kids at him right away.”

As deployments wind down, stay-home spouses are bombarded with pamphlets and e-mails and offers of assistance from chaplains, counselors and spouses who’ve been through the deployment cycle.

“Marriage is more than just sharing the remote control,” said Sheena Buteau, 24, whose husband is Marine Cpl. Joshua Buteau.

There is also the specter that a Marines’ experiences may haunt them and their family. Post-traumatic stress disorder “is extremely hard on both spouses,” said Susannah Schroeder, 21, as she awaited the return of friends in Marine Light Attack Helicopter Squadron 369.

At the pier Monday, volunteers handed coloring books to children to explain why their father or mother was leaving. Last-minute photos were taken, kisses exchanged. As difficult as the farewell was, the homecoming will have its own difficulties, spouses agreed.

“Your man will have changed, you will have changed,” said Christine Lee, 37, whose husband, Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Timothy Lee, was holding their 4-year-old daughter, Brianna. “You’ll be more independent; he’ll want to pull in the reins. It takes time.”

Even before the amphibious ship Tarawa, the largest in the strike group, left the pier, circulars announced a support meeting for families in three weeks at a local church.

Navy Command Master Chief David Selmier, the top enlisted man in Expeditionary Strike Group Three, who has spent 27 years in the Navy, observed: “It’s definitely a difficult life to maintain.”

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tony.perry@latimes.com