L.A. Affairs: We made fun of toxic men at the gym. Then this friend started acting like one
I saw Trevor around the gym for months — scattered tattoos and black tank top with a cute smudge of climbing chalk on their ears. They always made sure to say hi, looking in my direction frequently. They first asked me to hang out in December.
I asked when they were free, and they replied, “Christmas Day?” I thought it was a joke, but now I’m not sure. In January, I went on a hike with them. They tried to take me to an old mine in Millard Canyon, which we never found — but we did find a shared love of theater and making fun of capitalist overlords and loud, grunting men at the gym. Overall, it felt so … friendly. No spark, but good conversation for hours.
A few months later, they got me out again — this time, to Geeky Tea and Games in Burbank. I had so much work to do, and I was hardly getting time to sleep. But I freaking love board games. We were out until 2 a.m.
He thought we might be nervous as we met for coffee for the first time. But after much laughter, we realized new adventures awaited us.
After beating them in Catan (without witnessing an alpha male tantrum at losing!), we ended up at IHOP, where the server remembered Trevor from their youth. Her memory of them being sweet as a teenager calmed the “Is this person actually a serial killer?” intrusive thoughts.
We started texting throughout the day, sharing memes, cat pictures and jokes about the hypermasculine beasts at the gym. By May, I was working two jobs, hosting a fundraiser and arranging a group vacation.
I got sick and Trevor swooped in, making me soup, doing dishes, reading with different voices to me in bed, cuddling me and eschewing activities outside the apartment because they just “wanted to talk.” Even though I didn’t feel romantically connected, I felt protected and loved getting to chat until the birds sang with someone emotionally aware and sensitive.
We giggled about all the ways cis men had to prove themselves (and to whom?!). They repeatedly said they were happy with how the friendship was, that they would be just as happy if we never had sex and just slept next to each other at night. As someone on the asexual spectrum, that sounded perfect.
However, they kept being more and more touchy in bed, talking about how much I turned them on and how they weren’t like other male-bodied folks. I was curious and didn’t want to lose my sleepover buddy, so we agreed to be friends with benefits. Things went smoothly … for about two weeks.
By mid-June, their communication became inconsistent. Suddenly, the playful messaging, reliability, the soothing sound of them reading at night — all my favorite things about our time together — disappeared. When I asked what changed, they said that now that they “had me,” there was “no reason to do any of that.”
On our very first date, I was eating from his plate. Could he be the one I’ve been looking for, especially after having a series of bad dates with other guys?
The sex was fun for those first few weeks, but then they stopped doing any sort of foreplay. I cried. A lot. It felt like I was spending time with a stranger — and one who couldn’t care less about me.
I knew they were going through a rough patch financially, and I thought if they could just get through that, they would go back to being the fun, gentle friend from the spring. But they started playing games of the non-board variety, such as messaging me, “What time are we meeting again?” at the time we were supposed to meet. They belittled creative ideas I had.
The long chats about our world and perspectives were reduced to watching a TV show in each other’s arms and falling asleep. Where was the emotional connection I enjoyed?
A few weeks later, they mentioned that they wanted to sleep with two climbers from the gym — two people in separate long-term relationships. They started making unrealistic plans to sleep with them (unbeknownst to the people). I calmly pointed out that if they continued to do this, they would lose me.
Trevor looked me right in the eyes and said, “OK,” leaving me to feel like our friendship was nothing to them.
I ended the sexual part of our relationship, but I held the door open for friendship. They responded, “Great, now I’m not gonna have sex for years.”
I was 13 years old — old enough to have started noticing girls. But the idea of true love was still abstract to me. Then I met the one. How could I get her attention?
This cued a roller-coaster cycle — they’d come to the gym to say things like, “I’m going to cry myself to sleep tonight” and text that they needed me to come over, only to change their mind later.
I slept over one more time to have a talk about what our future friendship could look like. Trevor bemoaned how I could possibly want to be friends with them and how badly they felt for hurting me, saying they just couldn’t help hurting people all the time.
I told them that I felt it was odd to ask for sympathy for causing me so much emotional pain. I told them that to be friends moving forward, I needed them to promise not to intentionally hurt me in the future and to communicate if they were feeling anxious or insecure rather than lashing out.
When I woke up, they told me they didn’t want me to sleep over again because “it’s weird.” I left but then began receiving texts from them about how their week was going. They also shared YouTube clips with no context and fake cheery messages.
I felt like they were still putting on a front with me, when I wanted the real person. Or maybe I finally met the real person.
I wrote a long text message, explaining how our friendship still felt off to me, and I suggested that we chat about our feelings. They responded, “At this point, I do not think we would make good friends and I don’t want to be friends with you.” Ouch.
Love was waiting in line for me. Yes, it was — at Los Angeles International Airport. I was catching a flight to New Jersey when I met Mr. Right. Could I make this last?
When the friendship ended, it felt like I was grieving someone who hadn’t existed. I think I should dislike them more, but the reality is that I miss my funny, talented friend. I wish for another late night of jolting up from laughing and hearing them playfully say, “Wait, are those birds starting to sing? Oh, nooooo, what are we gonna do?!”
I won’t ever know if my springtime buddy was genuinely there or if it was just a long-running mask. But I’m grateful for the friends who validated my feelings of sadness and confusion and firmly recommended running far, far away. For the next partner, I’ll keep the bar above the shirtless grunters at the gym and raise it up a notch to someone who can laugh through the birds singing and communicate even when they can’t.
The author is a queer, multiracial writer who took a part-time job at the climbing gym, only to accidentally unionize it. When she’s not playing outside, she can be found playing pretend at comedy venues around town. She’s on Instagram: @jessadventurin
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
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