Letters to the Editor: How to be a community elder after losing your spouse

To the editor: I loved Bruce Wexler’s poignant op-ed article about living alone for the first time in more than 40 years after his wife’s death. I have a suggestion.

Wexler is obviously gifted as a veteran writer. He can claim the role of elder and begin “eldering” with others of any age in his community by giving his gift away in writing workshops for those who hunger for guidance from someone like him.

Eldering is a two-way street. Both Wexler’s life and those of younger people will be enriched through intergenerational dialogue.

Younger people sometimes kvetch to me: “Where are the elders? When we need elders, we can’t find them.” Answer their call.

One answer to loneliness is conscious eldering. Wexler’s departed wife sounds like a delightful life partner. I have a hunch that she would also encourage him to take his gift into the world and start giving it away.

Don Kilhefner, Los Angeles.

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To the editor: I lost my wife after 55 years of marriage this last August. Wexler perfectly expressed the feelings I have experienced since then.

Like Wexler, I am not a very “social” person and depended on my spouse to cultivate friendships and outings. Everything has changed since I have been on my own.

Grief groups do help some, but hearing others struggling with the same issues I am facing somehow makes it more real and less comforting. The thought of dating is just beyond possible right now.

The one thing that has helped me somewhat is the embrace of Stoic philosophy, understanding that everything in life is part of nature’s plan, and living a moral life is something I can control.

My congratulations to Wexler for putting into words what loneliness feels like after decades of companionship and marriage.

Randy Sultan, Los Angeles

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To the editor: My wife of 40 years died in October. She had been on dialysis for three years. This is the first time that I have been alone.

I decided to make immediate changes in my life. I joined a grief group and realized that I will have this loss for my entire life, so I became active.

I joined the Plato Society where there are sessions on intellectual topics, the Sierra Club for hiking and a beginner’s square dance class, which I dropped. Soon, I start a beginner’s ceramics class.

I am blessed with a support group of family and friends, which I cherish. Surprisingly, I am not lonely, as my days are full, and I am optimistic about the future.

Peter Blau, Venice