Commentary: Miss Sassy, cat of Springfield, Ohio, fame, finally speaks up — ‘No, Haitians did not eat me’

So all this started when I just needed some space and time to myself. I slunk down to the basement — it was cool and dark — and decided just to hunker down for a couple of days. It was a hot summer and I was tired of it. I’m a Maine Coon cat. I’m always cloaked in a fabulous, if heavy, fur coat.

I was enjoying the respite — some meditation, some yoga. I don’t know how long I was down there. A day? Two? Maybe three? Then Anna, my owner, found me. She was ecstatic to see her Miss Sassy. A little too giddy. OK. Whatever.

She seemed to think I was missing. I was just in the basement! How is that missing? Does she never go into the basement? I go down there all the time when I need a break.

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Anyway, she took me upstairs and lavished me with food. And sometime after that, all the headlines started appearing. My sojourn in the basement — when Anna couldn’t find me — had been reported to the police and cast as a kidnapping by our Haitian neighbors. Whaatt? So embarrassed.

First of all, they are the coolest neighbors. And second, have you seen a Maine Coon cat? I am a giant, tough cat. Who would kidnap me and live to tell? I would scratch them into ribbons of flesh.

Look, no one loves attention more than I do. And for a minute I was fine with all of it. I made it into the Hindustan Times!

Although why didn’t Anderson Cooper try to get me on his show? He had on the mayor of our town, Springfield, Ohio. I would totally have done his show — and killed.

Mugs that read “Speak a Good Word for Springfield or say nothing” are displayed in the Champion City Guide & Supply shop window on Sept. 17, 2024, in Springfield, Ohio.

(Carolyn Kaster / Associated Press)

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But ultimately, I realized this was a bridge too far even for me. People in my hood don’t abduct cats or — gross — eat them. Honestly I doubt we would taste good and I’m sure the dogs would definitely not taste good, and I just don’t want to think about it.

It took me a while to realize I had just become part of some political kabuki theater to demonize immigrants — which I want no part of. Hey, I’m an immigrant. OK, I’m from Maine, but there are plenty of theories that part of my heritage goes back to the Vikings. I love that.

Mostly, I just want things to go back to normal in Springfield. This is really a huge issue and I need it to go away. I want to be able to hang out again with the Haitian neighbors.