‘Dancing With the Stars’ results: The mane event

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Darn if they don’t always keep me going till the last moment. But Tom’s incessant teasing that the super-close point results (11 teams separated by just three points!) could send anybody home really had me convinced that Week 2’s elimination was going to be a shocker.

Of course, in the end, it was low-scoring and low-wattage Kathy Ireland who got cut. And just as with last week’s ouster of Macy Gray and Ashley Hamilton, I don’t think anyone could have said they were surprised to see the model-entrepreneur make her graceful exit.

But first, the filler: Guest judge Baz Luhrmann announced this week’s encore performance, the jumping jive from Mya and Dmitry. The Macy’s Stars of Dance bit featured an unwieldy USC Trojan Marching Band and a lively break dancing and stomp performance created by “Stomp the Yard’ choreographer Chuck Maldonado and Jimmy R.O. Smith.

Selena Gomez continued the “DWTS” Disney streak (after Monday’s Muppet cameo and the Minnie Mouse duds worn by Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas) by performing her latest single, “Falling Down,” with her band the Scene. She looked just about as excited as if she were getting a root canal. Other than one move where she leaned back on one of her bandmates (a Scenester?), the “Wizards of Waverly Place” star showed little to no energy and was upstaged by the crisp, clean turns and swivels of Derek Hough and she of the sparkly body suit, Karina Smirnoff.

Grammy Award winner Joss Stone sang two numbers. The first was “Colour Me Free,” her latest single from her fourth album. And Joss looked great, kind of a cross between Mariah Carey and Jacinda Barrett, though I wondered why she had her eyes closed through the entire performance. Maybe it was because she didn’t want to be distracted by the pro dancers? I know I have a hard time rooting for pro dancers whom I’m not familiar with, either. Yes, I’m talking about you, Jeremy Hudson and Mallauri Esquibel. And what happened to Jeremy’s ultra-long tie? It was flopping along during the first half but disappeared after the intermission.

Later, Joss Stone came out and sang another tune, this time a cover of Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man,” and was accompanied by regulars Dmitry Chaplin, Anna Trebunskaya, Cheryl Burke and Louis Van Amstel. The pros did some partner work and then switched partners and did some samba rolls, and then … whoa! A four-way samba-roll sandwich! I didn’t know whether to be enthralled or uncomfortable after that. Maybe just numb acceptance, kind of like how Oscar-nominated actor and Chuck Liddell pal Mickey Rourke appeared when the cameras panned to him after the performance.

Usually “DWTS” has some clever pre-taped clips, but this week’s were a little weak sauce. There was a showcase of the new 12,000-square-foot training center, and then the pros spoke out about breaking the stars out of their bad habits. At least Anna Demidova got a good zinger out of this one. After former Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin complained the steps were hard, Anna quickly responded, “If dancing was easy, they’d call it football.” Ha!

Let’s now take a moment from our regularly scheduled programming to dissect what was going on with Samantha Harris. With the black mermaid dress with what looked like grid-pattern piping, the ginormous jeweled necklace that she wore like armor, the lion’s mane of hair that threatened to push anyone else out of the camera space, I had a hard time not wondering what in name of all that is sparkly and good happened. Did the stylist love her or hate her? Was it a dark “Lion King” homage? Did she put her finger into an electrical socket right before taping? It was really distracting. I couldn’t even pay attention to what she was saying (hate it when that happens). And Samantha’s was just a variation on the big-hair theme: I’ve already mentioned Joanna’s mile-long tresses, but Kym’s big pouf was also out to there. “Don’t Kym and Samantha kind of look little like sexy Chia pets tonight?” Tom observed. If only results shows could be about Chia pets and big hair instead of elimination. But alas, someone had to leave the competition. And this week, Kathy Ireland’s jig was up. And she took it graciously, like we knew she would, taking her jellyfish skirt and torn sleeves for one last turn on the dance floor with her partner, Tony “Dovoloni.” Well, if you can’t even pronounce your partner’s name right, then maybe you just weren’t destined to last. Poor Tony was left only with a mangled last name and a hat featuring the name “Katony” as a consolation prize. Here’s hoping he’ll be paired up with a more memorable partner — or at least a cuter hybrid name — next season.

What did you think? Were you surprised to see Debi Mazar in the bottom two? Are you less impressed with pro dancers you’re not familiar with? Samantha’s outfit: Love it or loathe it?

— Allyssa Lee