‘Melrose Place’: No sense or sensibility

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Before we get into the insanely stupid antics of this week’s “Melrose Place” characters -- and there were many -- I just had to call attention to the graveyard flashback near the beginning of this episode. I’m sure actor Shaun Sipos is a heck of a guy who calls home every Sunday and volunteers at local charities when he’s not shooting, but I could not keep my giggles under wraps when David sobbed unconvincingly over his mother’s grave in the flashback.

But this isn’t just about David’s softer side -- it’s also where he meets Sydney for the first time. She claims to be there visiting her father and just thought she’d stop by the neighboring tombstone and see how he’s doing. And what is the most logical thing to do after meeting a hot cougar in Hollywood Forever? Why, have sex with her, of course. So that’s why the Cinespia screenings are so popular!

It looks like we’re back on the murder storyline this week and the magical powers of flashbacks also teach us that David woke up the day after Sydney’s stabbing with the (probably planted) bloody knife in his hand. He tells Ella that he blacked out from drinking too much that night. He’s not sure if he did it, and I’m voting not guilty. Which means the murderer must have known how David gets when he drinks, so that could really be anyone. My bets are on Michael or Auggie right now. But Ella suspects it was the P.I. she hired because Sydney might have caught him in the penthouse.

Ella could be on a roll because she’s also onto Lauren’s second job as a lady of the evening. And she even offers to make Lauren’s financial troubles go away if Lauren, well, doctors her client’s medical chart so that Perez and TMZ never find out about his drug habit. But like she did with David, Lauren opts to stick with her committing her own debauchery, then aid and abet others.

Now that Ella knows Lauren’s secret, why doesn’t Ella find a way to get Lauren out of this jam? I appreciate Ella being there for Lauren even though Lauren’s not ready to come clean about her side job -- it’s not like she’s earning extra cash by working the late shift at Rite Aid and Ella’s worried she’s gonna get burned out from exhaustion. Her “bestie/roommate” is a prostitute! I thought Ella would be smart enough to stop it with the Julia Roberts jokes and get this girl some help.

Over at Coal, Auggie gives us what we’ve come to expect -- rage and senseless sex. And almost all because of Riley? Sure, Auggie’s boss Marcello had it coming when he, as Violet puts it, commits “cooking plagiarism” by stealing Auggie’s recipe and later saying somewhat racist statements about Riley. But how angry and out of it does Auggie have to be to have slept with the crazytown hornets nest that is Violet?

It seems the only people who did anything smart this week are Jonah and Riley, who seem to have decided they’re on a break. Is it too much to hope that this will last?

Oh, and has anyone heard from Jane?
-- Whitney Friedlander

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Top photo: When Sydney met David. Credit: Michael Desmond / The CW