Opinion: Levi Johnston’s shockingly candid answers to CNN’s Larry King

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Well, once again Larry King’s bookers have got the big get -- Levi Johnston is scheduled to be on the CNN show tonight, unless his pickup breaks down in Saskatchewan.

It’s billed as an ‘exclusive’ -- at least for this week.

Johnston’s such a huge star that LK actually had to wait until after Johnston did the Tyra Banks Show.

But the nation is pretty gosh-darned excited to get maybe its ninth look at this high school dropout hockey player who is said to have impregnated Bristol Palin, the Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter. What better reason to put someone on prime-time TV for millions to not watch?

There’s nothing like the word ‘former’ to help splinter families wide open, which is great TV entertainment. Watching other families squabble and pretending we don’t.

So the former future son-in-law of the former future Republican vice president will undergo probing interrogation by the suspendered one, who’s been getting married and remarried and remarried and doing this interviewing gig thing since even before Joe Biden became a senator.

Wardrobe note: On tonight’s show everyone will probably be wearing a shirt, unlike on ‘Cops.’

Because most of the nation’s TiVos have already been set to record both of the Billy Mays specials tonight, as a public service the Ticket has collected virtually all of Levi Johnston’s answers in ...

... advance for your political edification and reading pleasure here this morning. So here we go:

Hullo.

Yup.

Nope.

Not really.

Yeh, I guess.

I think so.

She did.

March.

Moose chili.

Yes, I’m pretty sure she did.

I can’t say it on TV.

He wasn’t happy.

No, he was really nice, but very old.

Really exciting. Those jets go, like, very fast -- and high up too.

Well, to be honest about it, maybe. I don’t know. Could be.

I was nowhere near Anchorage that day.

Red Wings. All the way!

Nah, I’m not big enough. Those guys are, like, huge!

Originally, I planned on a double major of political science and history before law school. Then starting a major corporation and becoming president of these United States. But having seen inside the belly of the modern political beast up close last fall, Larry, frankly, I’m no longer that certain.

I believe money has sullied -- I dare say, corrupted -- the entire system’s integrity. Just look at the TARP rollover. American democracy does work in a wondrous way, but it’s very messy and ponderous and unorganized. It’s a lot like hockey without the ice, uniforms and sticks. And helmets. And pucks. And fights. And speed. And rules.

Right now? Well, not much. I’m still recovering from quitting my apprentice electrician’s job and working on saving the princess in Super Mario Brothers. But you wouldn’t believe how hard that is. Reminds me of the Middle East conundrum.

No, the teachers were really boring. But I plan to get my GED in a few years. And then maybe drive the Zamboni in Kotzebue. Or Fairbanks. I haven’t decided.

Thank you for having me, sir.

And, Mr. King? May I wish you and all of your viewers a very Happy Passover.

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Top photo: Levi Johnston. Credit: Associated Press