Opinion: The struggle for nicknames in politics: Hey, buddy! Bubba says you can’t use Colonel

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There is something in the historically rebellious mental nature of Americans that loves to resist and replace people’s given names with nicknames, a word that no doubt comes from a man who cut himself while mocking a friend.

Plus-size people are called Skinny. Immense Lincolnesque types are called Shorty. Brothers end up being called Bo because infant siblings can’t say brother. Porky people are called Porky. It’s grand fun and inexplicable in many more formal cultures.

But nicknames can be serious business in politics. Like brand names. Just ask Barry Obama.

Sometimes the nickname or latter-day moniker is far better known than the actual name parents chose in....

...some arcane adult compromise long ago. Sometimes nicknames are affected, too; think of all those Kentucky Colonels who never touched a sword.

Nicknames or even initials (remember ‘W’ stickers?) can become an integral part of a politician’s identity, whether they like it or not. Especially if they don’t like it.

Say, Joe the Plumber. Or Joe the Gaffer. And immediately folks know who you mean. Or Nancy Botox. Harry Dialect. The Pit Bull. Bubba. Darth. Moonbeam. The Terminator.

Few people know that Mitch McConnell’s middle name is ‘I Am Physically Incapable of Smiling.’ Or that the obstreperous Barbara Boxer’s name refers to a favorite workout.

However, this nickname business can create real problems for state officials who must determine the actual names on ballots where some uninformed voters make important judgments based just on names. Speaking of colonels, there’s a real one (Ret.) in Arkansas who lost a fight with state officials to get his name on the May 18 GOP Senate primary ballot as Conrad ‘Colonel’ Reynolds.

This would have helped advertise his military experience in a crowded final field of eight candidates from the party whose first successful presidential candidate was also known as Honest Abe. And, as even the lowest-ranking soldier knows, the GOP loves those guys with national security/military experience like Ike.

Conrad sought the nomination to confront the incumbent Democratic senator, Blanche ‘What the Heck Can You Say About Someone With That First Name?’ Lincoln.

State law allows titles of already elected officials to be used on the ballot and it does allow nicknames. But election officials see ‘colonel’ as a disallowed military title, not a nickname as Reynolds claims.

Reynolds protests: ‘People say, `Hey, Colonel.’ They call me that all the time. It’s one of those rare instances where it’s both’ a title and a nickname.

Harold Kimbrell, on the other hand, got his favorite name on the ballot for a House seat in western Arkansas.

Many would-be constituents probably wouldn’t even know which Kimbrell he is until they see ‘Porky’ in the middle. Strangely enough, he got that name in fifth grade because kind-hearted playmates (no doubt named Butch and Buster) thought his short stature, rotund frame and little ears resembled the Looney Tunes cartoon character. And who wants to be called Harold anyway?

Rather than fight it, Porky says, he came to like it. Now, he’s using it.

That’s All Folks!

-- Andrew ‘Red’ Malcolm

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