Opinion: Late-night jokes: Starbucks CEO reveals how he got rich
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As The Ticket’s 73,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,200 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each evening.
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Fallon: President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the United Nations. In fact, he was so late, he had to sit next to Joe Biden at the kids’ table.
Letterman: The U.N. General Assembly is reconvening. Fun to drive by and see those world leaders sitting on the front porch hooting at all the passing chicks.
Conan: Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing a memoir. It’ll be available in hardcover, paperback and a book-on-tape that’s impossible to understand.
Fallon: At a New York City fundraiser President Obama says he’s in ‘in a New York ...
... state of mind.’ In a year or so he might be singing another Billy Joel song -- ‘Movin’ Out.’
Letterman: The U.N. is in session this week and that little beady-eyed weasel Ahmadinejad is here from Iran. For fun today he went up to Central Park and arrested some hikers. Letterman: That crazy Iranian leader is ranting again over at the U.N. You know I was thinking, if you really like hiking, get out an atlas and there are a whole lot of hiking places that are not Iran or North Korea.
Conan: Forbes magazine is out with its annual richest people in America list. One is the Starbucks CEO. His secret: He doesn’t buy his coffee from Starbucks.
Fallon: Bill Gates has been atop the Forbes list of richest Americans for 18 years now. In fairness, the PC they used to make the list has been frozen for 18 years.
Fallon: A new biopic coming out next year about Abraham Lincoln. That’s a good way to honor Lincoln -- by sending people to the theater.
Letterman: There’s a fabulous new CBS show out called ‘Unforgettable.’ It’s about a woman who remembers every minute of her life. A woman who, I think, it’s called a wife.
Conan: Facebook’s new page design is out. Now there’s a news ticker and every update says, ‘Breaking News: You’re screwing around at work.’
Conan: An historic day: ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is no longer in effect. For our military personnel watching, just a reminder, ‘Glee’ comes on at 2100 hours.
Leno: Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune, says he shouldn’t run again. They’ve given up. And remember, these same folks cover the Cubs too.
Conan: Big news story out today that SAT reading scores have reached an all-time low. Or as the headline put it, “SATs Be Most Baddest.”
Letterman: The ‘Two and a Half Men’ show is back on the air. And it’s a big success. There’s a new show now, ‘Two and a Half Men: Miami.’
Conan: The FBI is apparently investigating reports that someone is vandalizing Southwest Airlines planes. They are sneaking onto planes when no one is looking and making them comfortable.
Conan: Last night on a flight to San Francisco, a woman gave birth. The airline says the mother and her new $40 carry-on are doing just fine.
Leno: President Obama buys his own beer-making equipment for the White House. That may explain some of his economic policies.
Conan: Today, they announced 22 new MacArthur ‘genius’ grants. Among the winners was a scientist, an educator and a guy who got out of the stock market three years ago.
Leno: President Obama says his new jobs bill will create 1.9 million new jobs, up to 50 of them right here in America.
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-- Andrew Malcolm
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Top photo: South Sudan President Salva Kiir Mayardit meets President Obama at the United Nations. Credit: Aaron Showalter / Pool
(So this Iranian president walks into a bar ... . Bebeto Matthews / Associated Press