And Cal Tech Will Play in the Rose Bowl

Doug Flutie’s final football season at Boston College--or, as I like to think of it, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure--produced a lot of memorable moments. For one thing, it proved that short people do have a reason to live.

It also earned him a rich pro football contract, a rich endorsement contract and a rich TV sportscaster contract. They are holding off inducting Flutie into pro football’s Hall of Fame until he plays at least 15 games.

The upcoming college football season also should supply plenty of memorable moments.

At Southern Methodist, frustrated boosters and alumni will be forced to keep their money in their own pockets, and the team will lose every game, including the one against arch-rival Northern Methodist.

At Wisconsin, police breathalyzer tests will prove conclusively that there are several fans in the stands who have not had anything stronger to drink than beer.

At Nebraska, in the tradition of Jarvis Redwine and I.M. Hipp, the Big Red will go unbeaten behind quarterback Cornelius Husker and running back I.M. Fast.

At Stanford, the band will be unveiling a 50-20-40 prevent defense designed to stick clarinets in the ear of any Cal player who approaches the end zone.

At Alabama, ripoff artists will continue to exploit the good name of their former football coach by selling Bear Bryant blue jeans, Bear Bryant cabbage-patch dolls, “I Bear Bryant” bumper stickers and “Bear Bryant Sings Long Songs With Julio Iglesias” cassettes.

At Northwestern, the drama department and football team both will do 11 performances of “Sweet Charity.”

At Georgetown, the school’s first football team will pattern itself after the school’s successful basketball team, tackling, pushing and hitting opponents upside the head.

At Arizona State, the coaching staff will be shocked at Darryl Rogers’ insistence that he still isn’t quitting as head coach.

At Northern Illinois, the team will be forced to forfeit a game at Bowling Green when it is unable to find Bowling Green.

At Harvard, a professor from the Weird Science department will develop the first football jerseys in history to use digital numbers.

At Notre Dame, the American Civil Liberties Union will force the university to change its team name to the Fighting Citizens of Mixed Ancestry.

At Texas A&M;, now that the Chicken Ranch brothel is closed, the football team will be allowed to celebrate the biggest victory of the season by visiting a certain University of Texas sorority house.

At Indiana, a Purdue punt returner will be brought down en route to a touchdown by a chair expertly thrown by the Indiana coach.

At Grambling, Coach Eddie Robinson will mark his 2,000,000th victory.

At Fresno State, Cal State Long Beach, Utah State, College of the Pacific, Nevada Las Vegas, San Jose State, New Mexico State and Cal State Fullerton, campus uproars will develop over Playboy’s “Girls of the Pacific Coast Athletic Assn.”

At Memphis State, the marching band will commemorate Elvis Presley’s 50th birthday by singing “Hound Dog” and being filmed by CBS only from the waist up.

At Ohio State, running back Keith Byars will go off left tackle, then go off right tackle, then block during an incomplete pass, then run off the field while the Buckeyes punt.

At Washington, a sellout crowd will be entertained when the Huskies become the first football team to do the Wave at the line of scrimmage.

At Pittsburgh, South Carolina, Syracuse, Louisville, Rutgers, Penn State, West Virginia, Cincinnati and Florida State, campus uproars will develop over Playboy’s “Girls of the Major Independents.”

At Tulane, kicker John (Hot Foot) Doe will be accused of being in cahoots with gamblers after kicking a 55-yard field goal through the wrong goal.

At Princeton, red-shirted walk-on Brooke Shields will beat Yale’s Jodie Foster on a deep buttonhook pattern to win the Cotton Bowl.

At Brigham Young, quarterback Robbie Bosco will be smeared by Utah linebacker Bobbie Ovaltine.

At Army, Navy and Air Force, campus uproars will develop over Playgirl’s “Boys of the Armed Forces.”

At Auburn, running back Bo Jackson will be signed by the California Angels in time for the World Series, in exchange for George Hendrick and a player to be named later.

At Oklahoma, the Sooners are given a 15-yard penalty and a standing ovation for gang-tackling ABC’s Jim Lampley on the sidelines.

At Minnesota, Coach Lou Holtz will achieve a shocking last-second upset of Michigan when signal caller Rickey (Froggie) Foggie quarterback-sneaks off the Metrodome carpet and leap-frogs 50 yards over all 11 Wolverines.

At the USC-UCLA game, the halftime show will be directed by Michael Cimino, after which the two financially ruined schools will be forced to merge.

And at another major university, a coach will ask a high school prospect, “Did you do OK on your SAT?” and the kid will say “Y-E-S-S.”