It’s Pointless to Argue--Soccer Is the Game

I love soccer. Love it. I could watch soccer all day long. I could watch soccer hour after hour after hour after hour, right up until somebody scores a goal.

Oh, to be in Mexico. To be at the World Cup. Maybe the boss will still send me, if it is not too late. It already is too late for me to see Denmark vs. Uruguay, which still annoys me. I had 20 bucks on Uruguay.

I do not know anyone who does not love soccer. We sit around at corner taverns all night long, watching soccer replays on large-screen TVs. We sit there arguing: “He kicks the ball better.” “No, he kicks the ball better.”

During the Olympics of 1984, Mary Lou Retton and Carl Lewis received far too much attention. Hundreds of thousands of us followed the soccer competition, night after night. We thought Saudi Arabia’s goalie was a lot more interesting than some chubby little tumbler and a runner with a haircut like Dick Tracy’s.

Soccer is easily the most popular and exciting sport in the world. Those of us who love soccer do not need to hear constantly about baseball, baseball, baseball. Such a sissy game. They have to use their hands. They even have to put gloves on their hands.

Poland played Portugal the other day, and it was a very thrilling game. The final score was either 0-0, 1-0 or 1-1, I forget. But since all soccer games are either 0-0, 1-0 or 1-1, I am sure it was one of the three.

Anyway, here was this big, big World Cup soccer game, important to Poles and Portuguese throughout the world. I turned on the television that night to see the highlights on the evening news. But did I see any highlights?

Yes. Baseball highlights.

Let me tell you something. Millions of Poles and Portuguese do not care if the Houston Astros are still in first place. Their ancestors are from Warsaw or Lisbon, not Austin.

Besides, why must they show so many highlights? With soccer, all you have to do is show one highlight. The winning goal. You can burn all that other footage, because it is nothing more than a bunch of guys running to the left of your TV screen, followed by a bunch of guys running to the right of your TV screen.

Just the goal. That is all you need. Just say the team on the left is Argentina, and the team on the right is Bulgaria, and here comes the goal that decided the game. Then show it. And all of your Argentine and Bulgarian viewers will be tickled pink.

Soccer is so beautifully uncomplicated. Soccer does not bother with superfluous things, such as first names for the players. When we called a guy Pele, we knew who we were talking about. We did not have to call him Joe Pele, or Pedro Pele. Just plain old Pele was enough.

You baseball lovers keep saying Pete Rose did this, or Pete Rose did that. Why do you clutter up your conversation so? At first base for Cincinnati--Rose. Next batter--Rose. What is all this Pete nonsense?

OK, so there are a couple hundred baseball players named Davis. Big deal. If Davis is any good, that is all that matters.

In fact, since you only need one name, it might as well be the first name. When the California Angels are playing, you do not have to chant: “Jack-son! Jack-son!” You can use his other name if you like.

At a great event like the World Cup, you also will not hear anyone bothering to refer to the competitors by ridiculous team names. All you need to know is which country is playing. Algeria vs. Northern Ireland, you say? Swell. That is all you need to know.

You do not need to call them the Algeria Generals vs. the Northern Ireland Gunslingers. Or the Spain Pirates vs. the Brazil Brewers.

At the World Cup, when they say France is playing Hungary, you do not need any more information. You French people go sit over there and you Hungarians go sit over there.

Just sit there at the stadium and watch the scoreboard replays on MexicoVision.

Soccer is lovely in its simplicity. The game has one rule: Kick the ball in the net. There are no balks, walks, bats, mitts, steals, bunts, wild pitches or passed balls. There are no suicide squeezes, except when the bleachers are very crowded.

It is the greatest team sport in all the world. The players will do anything for each other. They will literally give each other the shirts off their backs. Maybe even wash them first.

Take me to Mexico. Take me to the World Cup. I do not care about baseball. I do not care about the Boston Celtics. The World Cup is the greatest sporting event in the world, and it could not be made any better, even if they used Red Auerbach for the ball.

If you love soccer, as I do, remember that you have a friend here in the newspaper business.

Wish I could say more, but I have to go phone a friend now to find out what’s happening. Belgium is playing Iraq!