It Was Funny Year, Depending on How You File It Away

Before we file ‘em away forever, one last look back at the top sports stories of the year . . .

The Chicago Cubs fire their veteran ballgirl, Marla Collins, after she is featured in Playboy magazine. The Cubs finish with the second-worst record in the National League.

File under: The naked and the dead.

Gerry Wright, Iowa basketball star, suffers two broken fingers when he accidentally catches his hand in a classroom door.

File under: Reason No. 49 why most college coaches discourage this type of extracurricular activity.

Gearing up for the Olympic Games, the city of Seoul bans the use of dogs, snakes and earthworms in restaurant meals.

File under: Remind stockbroker to kill my order to buy shares of Kentucky Fried Collie.

A hunter in Austin, Tex., is indicted on federal charges after he allegedly buys stolen trophy deer antlers for $20,000 and has them surgically implanted in the skull of a deer he killed earlier.

File under: Big career opportunity in Seoul if the same surgeon can make poodles look like beef cattle.

Astro Manager Hal Lanier forbids his players to watch “Wheel of Fortune” in the clubhouse during ballgames.

File under: Houston Chapter of Pat Sajak Fan Club disbands.

Dallas Cowboys unveil their new workout facilities, which include a 28-man whirlpool, desks and personal computers for each player and a eucalyptus sauna.

File under: What, no “Wheel of Fortune” TV lounge?

Al Saunders, new coach of the San Diego Chargers, announces a policy that players must kneel on one knee when addressing him.

File under: To show he’s not a tough guy, either knee is OK.

Met Manager Davey Johnson, during a heated argument with a home-plate umpire, spits out a tooth.

File under: Overflosser of the Year.

Roger Maris is rejected by Hall of Fame voters, despite having hit 61 homers in one season.

File under: Hey, if we let Maris in, we’ll have to let in everyone who hits 61 homers.

At the New York Marathon, 500 runners are treated by medical personnel, 20 are hospitalized, the runner-up in the men’s division is stripped of his award when he flunks a steroid test and 24 runners are disqualified when TV surveillance shows they short-cut the course.

File under: Bite the Big Apple, don’t mind the maggots.

William (The Refrigerator) Perry reveals that in the hour after a hard workout, he drinks a case of beer.

File under: No wonder blocking him feels like diving onto a water bed.

John McEnroe, Jerry Tarkanian, George Steinbrenner, Pete Incaviglia and the Pope all author newspaper columns.

File under: Has there ever been a five-way tie for the Pulitzer?

Chuck Muncie, Snake Stabler and Irving Fryar are each involved in a domestic dispute that involves an alleged attack on his wife.

File under: Football is a violent game.

At a Pop Warner League football game in La Habra, fans attack two referees, one of whom suffers a broken jaw.

File under: Like I said, football is a violent game.

Oklahoma linebacker Brian Bosworth brags about spitting “loogies” in opponents’ faces, and of dropping loose bolts into the innards of cars while working on an auto assembly line, and then gets suspended from postseason play after flunking a steroid test.

File under: And say, just where was Bosworth when the Iranian arms deal went down?

Tom Landry dons a bulletproof vest after a death threat at Anaheim Stadium. He shrugs off the incident as an unfortunate aspect of our society, adding, “Those things do seem to happen more in California, though.”

File under: Just our way of sayin’ howdy, Tom.

After UCLA beats USC, Bruin Coach Terry Donahue symbolizes his team’s acceptance of a Freedom Bowl bid by shaking hands under the goal posts with Mickey Mouse.

File under: Goofy sends his regrets, Terry, but he’s out of town, serving as chief adviser on the NFL’s new instant-replay officiating system.

After a football game at Auburn, home-team officials turn fire hoses on visiting Georgia fans who invade the field.

File under: Suggestion for Forum ushers for dealing with fans who ignore the no-smoking policy.

The Raiders get a gift in an exhibition game when the press box officials try to call back a Raider gain, but the vibrator in the field official’s pants fails to function.

File under: Why is it we can put a man on the moon but we can’t put a buzzer in a ref’s pants?

While workmen are re-roofing Pepperdine’s Firestone Fieldhouse, a trailer of hot tar breaks loose, rolls down a hill and overturns, resulting in 10 cars burned to a crisp.

File under: Quick, someone invite Tom Landry and tell him it’s an L.A.-style barbecue.

At a soccer match in Liverpool, England, 22 fans suffer eye injuries when hooligans spray a harmful substance. Police break up the melee using spray of their own.

File under: I’ve grown accustomed to your Mace.